Wednesday, 2 November 2022

Six Crimes of an Analog Future

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1. Crypto stolen from Concorde in Daring Rocket Heist!

A regular large volume transfer between Bank Suisse and the Bank of England was interrupted yesterday as Concorde was boarded mid-flight. 

The encryption keys representing the funds to be exchanged are always transferred with the greatest possible security but it seems a group of international criminals discovered a weak point - the Supersonic flight between Geneva and Gatwick itself!

Sources close to the British Government yesterday admitted "we were caught out". When originally conceived, the sheer speed of the Concorde itself made the transfer impossible to interrupt, in the air at least, and all security was based around the ground stages. But long term developments in low-earth satellite jet messenger services have lead to a small, but unregulated, market in very high-speed high-altitude rocket Jet engines.

The criminals intercepted Concorde over the English Channel and, matching speeds, managed to board the supersonic jet. They then took the solid brass cryptography keys, each individually engineered in extreme secrecy by Swiss masterminds, and purloined them. Apparently unable to return to their rocket the gang leapt from Concorde and were allegedly picked up by a hovercraft in the channel below.

Evidence of the complex planning for the crime was traced to a 'film set' on the French Riviera in which a scale-model of the Concorde jet had been constructed and apparently used to rehearse the heist under the cover of producing a motion picture.

2. Pirates exchange fire over Sealand Transmitter!

The 'air wave wars' turned hot yesterday as a fleet of Pirate Radio Station boats clashed with Royal Post Office security forces over the Sealand Transmitter. Allegedly shots were exchanged and some injuries have been reported. 

'Fans' of the Radio Pirates claim that the governments own policies, in particular the 2023 'Air Wave Security and Regulation Act' have forced smaller and non-regulated stations into smaller and smaller ranges of the transmissible spectrum with more and more complex and expensive circuits needed to decode the transmissions.

"This is the slow strangulation of a free Press by legal means" claimed the head of the Pirate Party yesterday, "information wants to be free and the People want direct news sources regardless of government control. Whomever controls the wavelengths controls the truth."

The Royal Post office issued 'regrets' about the use of force and denied any deliberate intensification of the situation on their part. "Pirate Radio boats have only grown more dangerous" claimed the Post Master General "both paid security forces and, we regret, the possibility of lethal force, are needed to preserve the security and stability of the public air waves for the good of all."

3. President Taped by Bicycle!

The American Secret Service yesterday claimed that attempts had been made to 'bug' the recent Camp David summit by use of an all-metal bicycle containing rare earths. The Sketchy Scooter they said, had been precisely constructed to absorb and record vibrations in the wavelength of the human voice. This creepy contraption apparently slipped through the U.S. spooks net as it contained no electronics and no moving parts other than those of a normal bicycle. The system was entirely solid state, powered by the movements of the bicycle itself and recording the vibrations inside its rare-earth-impregnated chassis as a kind of solid-tape, to be retrieved and decoded at a later date by unspooling the bike chassis. The Secret Service confirmed that they believed no Top Secrets had been lost as "The President does not discuss policy while cycling".

4. Cambridge "Crime Zone" Still Draws Critics

The five-mile 'low-noise' zone around Cambridge University has drawn criticism again after levels of petty crime and several assaults occurred over the previous month.

The 'Teks' at the big 'U' confirmed the renewed need for the 'Zone' and even asked for an extension. "We test and develop the worlds most advanced and subtle circuits and the more complex they are, the more vulnerable they are to EM interference. Last year an illegal TV crashed one of our most expensive research projects with its irregular transmissions. This is a matter of not just our technological development but our security."

Cambridge locals are split on the matter; "Its quite nice really" claimed one OAP. Just like the old days. No buzzing and I like the horses. I don't mind paying for telegrams. Life just moves at a slower pace here." But voices close to the Cambridge Plod were less pleased; "Its like a bl**dy nineteenth century rookery round here. No radios, no telegram. Crims realised they could do what they want here and the state can't see them. Then they started moving in en-masse. Its not just the hawkers, thieves and pickpockets, all the London Gangs have set up their HQ under our noses. They know there's no transmissions, so no bugs, no telephones, no evidence! They can organise without trouble right in the heart of England!"

5. Ceefax King "Steals" the Louvre

Elon Musk the "Minidisc King" yesterday claimed to have "acquired" the Louvre. That is, to have the physical copies of super-high grade transmissions of its whole stock of art and culture. 

The batty millionaire says he wants to make the Mona Lisa Free and add the entirety of the Louvre to his information transmission network for all of his customers to enjoy  whenever they wish, in high-definition colour. 

"It will be like being there." Claimed Musk.

The French authorities are in a stew and a major legal battle has broken out over the terms of their deal with Musk for the discs with the art. "The image itself is valuable" said the director. "Just as a photograph should not be included in a book without permission, curation and copyright, neither should Musks "accessible transmissions", he is just selling pirate art books over the air waves and that was not our agreement.

6. GPS Maps "May have been altered" Government Claims

Drivers have been vindicated recently as the Government has admitted that the GPS maps of Southern England "may have been altered". Controversy has been stewing for a year as drivers in the South have found themselves lost in wrong turns and going down bad alleys. HMRC and the contracted corporation that engraves the maps on super-shin sheet  Googleplex navigation, had previously claimed that any errors were within bounds and the "slow but natural changes in road building" were the cause.

Conspiracy Theories pointed to an alleged break-in at Googleplex's Engraving Centre in late 2022, a break-in in which it was claimed nothing was taken. The seemingly batty concept that someone may have sneaked into the building and re-engraved the core maps for that area before they were updated and couriered out to users of the GPS system (mainly hauliers, travelling salesmen and other long-distance travellers) has now been vindicated. The identity of "who changed the maps" and why, remains an "open question" Govt spokesmen yesterday said.


  1. 'Crypto stolen from Concorde' ought to be the plot of an episode of Thunderbirds.

    'The big U' is a weird way to refer to an Ancient University, but in a world where it's big enough to influence telecom policy like that, it might well be rather swollen. Perhaps the MIT ambitions of Churchill College were realised. What's the analog version of Silicon Fen? I also choose to believe that in this future Pye electronics is still in business.

  2. Fun & charming - I went in expecting something much more horrible, like harvesting people's brains for analog supercomputers

  3. 3 was my favorite but these were all really interesting

  4. The strange thing I can very much imagine Musk stealing Louvre IRL and then the situation unfolding just like written.