Friday, 1 November 2013

My Means of Destroying You All

I’ve had enough of you and of this, now you must be destroyed and I must rule.

How shall I go about this?

1. Seize black hymns in the shadow of a burning church, encode them in a polyphonic bomb and detonate via lightning strike at the tip of a black spire on the day of St James.

2. Politicise ratling codeboys with engram induction techniques hidden in fast-delivery cheesewheels, aim them like a gun at the mirrorcogs of liverpools moneycore, bring it all down in debt.

3.  Meditate in a null-fused stratosphere for nine hundred days of storm, learn the lightning’s song, sing it and bring down an age of electrical tyranny like divine fire.

4. Advertise for an army of the cybernetic poor. Force-implant Clausewitz chips and hand out light armour support and plasma rifles from japan, storm heaven, harrow the sky with descended souls.

5. Raid atom-smashers with expendable crime gangs, assemble pirated strangelets into an anti-laminate gauntlet with higgs-boson knuckleduster. Punch through spacetime and conquer whatever I find.

6. Hijack the HMS Nabokov, sink it onto the trans-Atlantic tunnel, set up as pressure-sealed undersea pirate state, hold both nations to economic ransom whilst launching raids on the Anglian coast.

7. Lens gravity waves through a self-launched mirror-darkly opalescent moon orbiting in Lunasynchronous orbit, hiding the real moon like a domino mask. Tidal chaos, auction moons secret identity to governments/madmen for cash.

8. Use fake OS update to infiltrate X-crypts onto all mobile devices. Phones radiate conspiratrons. All citizens consumed with paranoia, secrecy. Begin reality-pogroms.

9. Put cameras in dogs. Find out what’s going on.

10. Warp space gate to the mythical planet-of-crime, train there with transhuman overbeings dedicated only to deception and theft, return with new skills and launch one-man invisible war on justice, boredom.

11. Built crystallised death-refracting disco-armour, decode Dante’s inferno using 10th gen computer bees. Eat the honey and swandive into hell. Track down hitler/stalin/Ghengis and pistolwhip the gold locations out of them, return to earth and buy the economy.

12. Scratch together continental electromags. Use to vinyl-scratch earths iron core like an old record. Send mangowaves out in space and back in time to affect the development of nearby civilisations millions of years ago. Await arrival of alien space armada that already hails me as creator-god.

13. Teach monkeys kung-fu. Assassination terror squad.

14. Breed kaiju from hacked whale organs underneath the north pole. Embed secretly in ice. When pole melts due to global fuckery, Kaiju released, battle and destroy with secret cranial doom-chip, use known only to me. Demand payment, girls.

15. Use global dance craze as planet sized ritual so summon primordial antibeing to earth. Ally with the nega-lord re world domination. Secretly inform heroes of weakness. Watch as they take it down. Throne of nega-verse now available. No-one thinks strategically.

16. Battle Hindu pantheon in space. No victory possible, cyclic, inevitable. Might be fun though. Possible global destruction.

17. Seize drone fleet from skies of arab state, fling witlessly at US eastern seaboard. Cackle. Hide. Mint it on the defence contracts over decade of global war/moral decay.

18. Freeze the Hindenberg. Use chronal shock to splinter self into time-ghost. Enact infinite schemes throughout history of man, trace patterns of failure and success to develop possible consuming over-scheme (danger: possible will discover am actually god)

19. Mass-assassination campaign, victims irrelevant.  Secure on-site murder-shaman to catch ghosts of killer rounds as they fly. Collect ghostgun rounds and imbue with predatory life. Have bullet-wraiths re-enter world possessing random guns and bullets, must battle for supremacy casting aside spent wielders like meaty chaff. Final ghost is king of projectile death. Fire directly into night sky to puncture darkness and usher in blazing world of eternal light, poor sleep.

20. Use trans-corporate hyper-sigil from demntia-space to activate the no-bot curse. All automita become existential, French, annoying. Mankind goes to war against own creations. Gives up. What’s the point anyway?


  1. nice. reads like a dailyd12 with sillycybin hypo-ocular injection and a blowjob from guillermo tel toro. not that Dungeon Dozen needs help

    1. I don't mean to do the man down, but I don't think there are many people who want a blowjob from Guillermo Del Toro

    2. This is number 99 on the table of the world's 100 most pressing problems; not enough people want a blowjob from Guillermos Del Toro.

      Number 98 is Too many people hoping for a (metaphorical an/or literal) blowjob from Guillermo Del Toro.