Wednesday, 10 August 2022

The Goblin Polychronicon

 What is written in green ink on the golden pages of the Grand Goblin History?

The Goblin Polychronicon: a treasure outside Time. A hyper-possible text telling the true story of the Goblins and their origins, their meaning and their end.

No exact translation has ever been written though a thousand partial commentaries exist. 

The core tome itself, split into an indeterminate number of physical volumes, (an odd number likely between eight and thirty two), is no sooner found than lost. Easy to acquire, (for the Goblins are always losing or selling one volume or more), but hard to retain, (for the Goblins always steal it back when the moon is full), many brief commentaries on the Goblin Polychronicon have been written, but none of them agree.


Well; any single volume may simply be a fake, the goblins themselves love making fakes of their own work and, being Goblins, often get them mixed up with the original. Notwithstanting that, the Goblin Polychronicon itself is a many-stranded and circular text, with alternate histories, counterfactuals, encoded allegories and outright fantasies included and commented on, and that each of these is spread across multiple volumes, linked through capacious appendicies, subtexts and fold-out diagrams, AND that the whole thing is written in multi-layered Goblin Code, and that the text itself has perhaps been infiltrated by some green goblin mycellium which mimics the shapes of Goblin words ((though some say the fungi follows the tracks of invisible ink left on the page and thence highlights meaningful secrets themselves to be combined with visible Goblin Knowledge in order to reveal yet more perspacious truths) and yet still others claim the fungal strands, gobin-natured as they are, bloat themselves on half-truths and misperceptions encoded in the Goblin Text and thence provide cunning guidance on how not to read the Polychronicon), and and as also as well we must not forget that the history of Goblins is a history of LIES and that much of the Polychronicon consists of the development of lies and the meta-structure of deceptions developed and sustained by Goblin Ontology and also that large parts of it may be made up. Maybe the whole thing is made up, who knows?

NO! The Goblin Polychronicon IS TRUE and is a real book about real things. History attests to this! It is absolutely not a scam and my lawyers can confirm. 


Deep in the Umber Eon the ever-famed Ranulph de Goblyn, first and last chief librarian at the catastrophically ruined Goblin Pig Library heeded the summons of the Goblin King to work thereon unto "an history of thee tails & seeds of or peeple". Accepting a bonk from the purple stave Ranulph began work on the Goblin Polychronicon in "due tyme", finally and fatally passing the work on to his descendants upon the breaching of the citrus dawn.

Of course modern historians recognise that the Ranulph identity was  merely a nom de plume, probably representing a cabal or circle of Goblins who recorded the Goblin Polychronicon first through transcribing the oral histories of the Goblins, then when he (they) realised these could not be relied on, by developing time travel and returning to witness the events in question, then on unfortunately accidentally altering these events and encountering parallel versions of him her or themselves trapped in varieties of time loop, gave up on the whole thing, travelling into their (or his) her own future and stealing a copy of the Goblin Polychronicon from his fututre self (or selves), copying it quickly in a phone booth and using that as a base, making up the rest, then, on then contracting Bubonic Boils and realising he-they whomever will never live to become the future self(ves) from whom he can steal the book, imploring his(their) descendants to take on their aspect and essentially cosplay as him (or them) to make sure the time loop does not collapse, BUT! at the same time insisting that the trickery of the "false Ranulph" makes the veracity of the Goblin Polychronicon suspect and that they (or just he) should carefully check and edit every aspect of it while they (the descendant(s)) still have the time, which they both do and do not have due to the aforementioned loops.


The Volumes of the Goblin Polychronicon are split into several odd-numbered groups of odd-numbered books, separated by the likelihood of them being simply made up. All of the volumes are Histories, in a sense, though they are all also something else as well, often being made up of encyclopaedias, instruction books, recipe books, biographies, puzzle books, chemical equations, spells, sigils, paint splatters, diagrams, 'information', cartoons and so on, with the historical information wovel through and explicated via these mediums, and all of these themselves explained and elucidated via subtitles, indexes, references, bibliographies, marginalia, fingerprints, food stains, the afrorementioned fungal infiltration etc.

We begin with the five initial, almost-certainly real volumes;

The True Polychronicon

Volume One - The Goblins and How They Were Known
(Contains knowledge of Schemes)

Volume Three - The Ripe Ones in their First Feeling
(Speaks much of Pigs)

Volume Five - Lords of the Green Moon
(an encyclopaedia of Tricks)

Volume Seven - The Gold Bell Chimes
(A digression on Thieving, Theft and Thefts)

Volume Minus-One - Thee Hydden Ceekrets of Thee Polygoblinomicon
(A philosophical tome on Conceptual Recursiveness and Trapped Thoughts)

The Second Addendum

The 'Second Addendum' (actually (probably) the first) is made up of three volumes which might be real be who knows really. They are;

Volume Nine -  The Grand Reversal
(Stars, Moonshadows, the Moon) 

Volume Eleven - The Doom Of The Gobs
(Owls, the colour Grey, Ordinary Shadows)

Volume Thirteen - The Reversal Reversed, that is Made Rightwise
(Considers only Green Shadows in a Green Land)

The Final Speaking

The 'Final Speaking' (not actually final) is made up seven books largely considered to be frauds, broken interpolations, strange translations, fantasies or mistakes. Nevertheless they do seem to act in all ways as Volumes of the Goblin Polychronicon (disposing secret knowings, causing madness and being stolen back under a full moon etc)

Volume Fifteen - How the Dooms Were Inverted 
Handwritten subtitle; Dooms2Boons inne fife symple stepps
(Escapes, Maidens, Round Animals)

Volume Seventeen - The Doom of the Quicksilver Man
(Charms, Illusions cast by Glass, Long Animals)

Volume Nineteen - The Doom of the Square Cups
(Getting into Buildings, Magical Soups, Games of Chance)

Volume Twenty-One - Green Infinity
(Impossibilities, Unlikely Reversals, Pie, Grand Strategy)

Volume Twenty Three - Thee Last Booke of thee Gobline Polychronicon
(Wild Fiddling, Weaving Fates in Golden Hair, Constructing Toys)

Volume Twenty Five - Index, Addendum and Appendicies Too Thee Laste Booke
(Princesses, Lying Flat, Smooth Beings, Squirming)

Volume Twenty-Seven - Be Thys Thee Ende? A Counterblaste To Muche-Puffed DOOMS
(Incepting Artefacts, Looking into Smooth Water, Bogs)

The Thorts and Komenterys

The 'Thorts & Komenterys', presumed to be the (actual) final grouping, is made up of three books, one of which either does not exist or cannot be named

Volume Twenty-Nine - Thee Seecret ande Final Parte In Which All CODES be Revealed
(Riding Animals Small and Large, Life with Giants, Odd Dogs)

?????? ??????-??? - ??????? ??? ??????? ???? ??? ??????? ???????
(???? ??, ??? ???????, ????? ??????????, ????, ????????, ??????)

Volume Thirty-Three - Goblinomicon, Book One, Thee Begynning
(Smelling your Way, the Pockets of Gods, Wardrobe TRAVEL etc)


"Power" might be the wrong word to use...

Reading and understanding what might be a volume, or volumes of the Goblin Polychronicon is said to reveal certain capacities or latent hidden aspects of reality in ways analogous to "spells"

In fact its said that many things now called "spells" are simply regulised & mundanified versions of transcriptions or commentaries on parts of the GOblin Polychronicon.

Get hold of a Volume and study it for as long as you can, (usually this involves decoding/translating it by the light of the moon, often aided by mushrooms and mushroom concoctions) before selling it off or getting rid of it before the next full moon lest the Goblins steal more than they might when they steal it back, for they have been known to make of with more than just the book itself, to whit, the name of its holder, their children or child, their shadow, the hair, the holes of their nose, the small bones of the ear.

Book Covers from here


  1. This post made me happy. I was particularly pleased to read of 'Goblin Ontology', as some months ago the word 'goblontology' became stuck in my brain for no apparent reason. I now realise it was presumably a fungal portmanteau seeded there by goblin time travellers seeking to farm pre-emptive literary criticism from the brains of the unsuspecting. Which is a comfort.

  2. Like Montefeltro this made me happy! In my case, rather than a word, I have had the phrase "A sobbing goblin mob hobbles ‘cross the cobbled lobby gobbling lobsters on the job" stuck in my head in search of something to connect with. Now it has found a home!