Tuesday 19 November 2019

TRAITORS!

Lets be honest, you're all garbage people incapable of useful or concerted action or decision unless being simultaneously terrified of, and enthralled by, a manically deluded magus-figure on whom you can focus the black energy of your churning resentment and desire.

It’s been a while since you've been screamed at by a narcissistic loon and I am, once again, out of ideas, so its TIME FOR A WITCHUNT. THE ORDO HERETICUS HAS MADE PLANETFALL.



I know full well that ALL OF YOU are Traitors, one way or another. I look aside only for a moment, and return back to discover that a 2d6 Apocalypse World roll is "essentially the same" as the holy d20, that fundamentally, what were all engaged in is "telling stories".... that system matters.


WHAT WASTE HAVE YE MADE OF THIS HOLY COUNTRY AND WHAT CORRUPTION STIRS IN YE?





... NO SEA MAY HOLD MY TEARS, NO SHORE ENCOMPASS MY SORROWS AND NO STONE GUARD AGAINST MY WRATH

Now is the time brethren, for the End Times are upon us all. Speak now or forever be confined to Discord.



HOW HAVE YOU BETRAYED THE OSR!??


FOR YE MUST KNOW IN YOUR HEART, THAT SURELY, YE HAVE SINNED AND FALLEN FROM THE TRUE WAY



Was it actually playing 4E? Are ye a delver in the corpse of that ancient and defeated God? KEIL .. WHY???

Are you hanging with Storygamers now, maybe dabbling with narrative control? RAM I KNOW IT WAS YOU, I KNOW IT WAS YOU AND IT BREAKS MY HEART.

Are you shopping like you believe in yourself on Itchio? ITS JUST BLOG POSTS YOU PAY FOR YOU FOOLS!

Are you staggering through incalculably-long threads on RPG.NET like a man who crawls through thorns, both teared by and tearing at that which restrains you? OH YE SUPPLICANTS TO THE PURPLE CITY, KNOW YE NOT THAT IN THE LAST DAYS EVEN YE SHALL BE CAST DOWN?

Have you been starting shit on Twitter and hoping against hope that a Cop or a Fascist turns up so ye may cast the bitter ashes of your heart upon them? (Actually that is pretty classically OSR, ye are forgiven for that).

Now is the time my rebellious Kine. Ye may confess your sins and face the fire, at least with a shrived soul.

(You can name yourselves Traitor but anyone naming others Traitor proves themself to *be* a Traitor Most Foul and will be deleted.)

56 comments:

  1. I'm not a traitor it's literally everybody else who is wrong for disagreeing with me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen Marceline!

      SAME HERE - HAND ME MY NOSE RING

      Delete
    2. Insane arrogance, grandiose statements of superiority and paranoid lashing out at ones audience is, each part, the Very Scripture of the OSR, go forth and be forgiven.

      Delete
  2. Poster above me is a HERETIC

    Poster below me is a HERETIC

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my God, I haven’t been angry in so long!

    ReplyDelete
  4. O, forgive me

    for I have made content for STRANGE GAMES

    games not of dungeons, or violence

    but of SMALL ROBOTS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ye dabble with the Suphurous Powers for, unlike Trolls and Vampires, Robots be creatures of the Imagination Only. Castigate thyself with a scourge of D4s and think on thy sin.

      Delete
  5. Woe unto my blog-house and all the chattels thereof! It may be said that I was ever but OSR-adjacent, but then I started posting about fantasy literature, some of it without even a hint of the Aesthetics of Ruin!
    Gall is my wine, dust my bread, clay my meat.

    The wrath of the Artpunkifex Maximus has fallen upon me, wielding the most blessed of scourges. Know then that I have neglected the workings of my grand project, in favour of vain and foolish posts about deeply unlikely settings.
    Would that my tears were as vitriol, to trace my sins upon my cheeks!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vain and foolish posts are True Prayers to Gygax. Go forth my son for ye are forgiven.

      Delete
  6. Inquisitor Stuart, I confess that in my heart I have had impure thoughts of unholy narrative congress and shared world building with my fellow players. Scourge this stain from my soul, O Holy Lash.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Each day at dawn ye must play Microscope, alone, and for the whole of that day ye must cosplay as characters from that Microscope session. For twelve years ye must do this, and ye may be forgiven.

      Delete
  7. In my DEFENSE I never experimented with DRUGS so now I'm experimenting with DEGREES OF SUCCESS and I AM CAPABLE OF MAKING ADULT GAMING DECISIONS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There are no degrees of success for a roll is absolute. Perish ye in the sad limbo ye have made for yourself.

      Delete
  8. I once used posts by you and Scrap Princess to provide material for a dwarf kingdom inside a slowly moving glacier ... in a Dungeon World game. Years later, the players still talk about that city.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dungeon World...

      There can be no forgiveness for Sin this Foul. Truly ye must burn eternally.

      Delete
  9. Twitter banned for a week because I told a fascist to die, so I haven't sinned the forgivable since for a week.

    Oh, and last Sunday a played Vampire. But I committed diablerie at a paedophile Nosferatu. And later that day, I gmed Into the Odd for the same group and the two characters of the same player, were dragged by the sea and disappeared forever. But their weapons floated to the shore.

    What's the verdict?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Buy and read every Jordan Peterson book and ye may be forgiven.

      Delete
  10. I have optimized for maximum heresy. I found a system that is both heresy to the Church Powered By The Apocalypse and the Oratory Sacred of Righteous, and did a heresied it to my ends.
    I AM OPERATING ON LEVELS OF HERESY YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE.

    I just haven't found anyone willing to play it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sitting alone with a game you developed and no-one to play it with is the correct punishment and penance for your crimes. Continue like this for 2d6 years and you may be forgiven

      Delete
  11. I once played Mouseguard but I didn't like it I swear!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I say the correct words when people don't listen carefully, how could I possibly be a heretic?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Convert yourself into hyperlinks, this done, tweet yourself, and be forgiven

      Delete
    2. https://twitter.com/Zzarchov/status/1197246401618567168

      Delete
  13. I still play Pathfinder! I swear I hate every second of it

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You must build characters until one thousand in a row of those you built are perfectly balanced. This done, ye may be forgiven.

      Delete
  14. Artpunkifex, I have done great evil and do not regret it! I have run games where the setting would not suck shit to actually live in! Dirthell hamlets are ne'er to be found, and peasants live PRETTY OKAY LIVES. I have made mono-theistic religious organizations which are NOT EVEN EVIL or A FRONT FOR DEMONIC RITES, and I've never even used fungus! I am a wretch, and it does not grieve me!
    AND I PLAYED 4e!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may feed yourself to pigs and be forgiven.

      Delete
  15. I ran about ten sessions in Tékumel this past year, but I'm worried we might have played it wrong. Also, I'm afraid that I've become a bit fed up with RPG:s in general. Is there hope for my soul?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Failing to run Tekmel and being alienated from the culture are all core OSR scripture. Be at Peace for ye are amongst the Chosen Few

      Delete
  16. I haven't played or even blogged in months! My flagellant blood wets my back even now

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not even playing is well in line with the complaining ethos of the OSR, ye are forgiven.

      Delete
  17. I CONFESS! I have recently begun informing my players of certain MECHANICAL CONSEQUENCES to their actions, WICKEDLY, to the end of granting them clarity in the making of certain decisions and, BLASPHEMOUSLY, MOVING THE GAME ALONG!

    Unrelatedly, your interdimensional goblins from the Wodlands have found their way, goblin-wise, into my Keep on the Borderlands Campaign and the PLAYERS LOVE THEM I AM HORRIBLE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIILTH

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmm, I'm not sure on the reactionary OSR policy on mechanical consequences. Are we not meant to be telling people about those? I guess ye are in limbo for an indeterminate period of time.

      Delete
  18. BEHOLD my wickedness AND LAMENT its existence for I am the most incapable of apologists. I have received the anointing of the Ruinous Aesthetic, many hours and days and weeks have I toiled under its compulsion, and yet have not produced a single convert to the MOST VENERABLE OF GAMING TRADITIONS. Woe is me! My tongue hath slipped and have referred to the True Way as a mere tradition. Despite my calling, anointing, authorization, and qualification, my greatest accomplishment (woe is me) is to convince my friends to play FREEBOOTERS ON THE FRONTIER. I did not persevere and now we have traveled through time to strange shores and play START WITHOUT NUMBER. On another occasion my game of TOMB OF THE SERPENT KING lasted a mere two sessions!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Failing to convert anyone and cancelling sessions are all within the True Way, ye are forgiven.

      Delete
  19. I have sinned as I haven't RPd since the birth of my second child and when I last did, it was with my own system of cyberpunk/vampirehunting that involved rolling not holy dice but mongolian sheep bones. And it was pool-based. -MadZab

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. All was well until ye said 'pool based'. There can be no forgiveness for this. Ye are truly damned.

      Delete
  20. Oh Inquisitor Most Artpunk-

    I have been playing in games *without* gold as xp.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If ye have received xp for the bettling of monsters, ay ten Hail Gygaxes and be forgiven. If ye have exchanged Xp for character growth, there can be nor forgiveness.

      Delete
  21. Ha, yup. Troika every Wednesday afternoon at the coffee house past 5 weeks now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Traika is still within the bounds, though it probably wishes it were not. Be forgiven.

      Delete
  22. Oh Great Writy One, my greatest sin is believing I can actually write something vaguely good.

    Also I have played the skeletons once but I didn't enojy a single minute of it I swear please be kind to me

    ReplyDelete
  23. For years I have rejected the OSR and its corrupt prophets: the grognards, the gatekeepers, the bigots and the CHUDS. I spit in the OSR's corrupt an avaricious eye and mock its shrinking legion of hacks. Whatever light and glory still hides at the heart of the OSR's bloated corpse it must be wrung free of the wreck and ruin, distilled and made clean by change.

    The OSR's false idols are crumbled, its rituals of community perverted, its creativity stunted and decayed by bad faith and orthodoxy. It should have been buried years ago, but its cult still genuflects before the rotting corpse. As Dogma without reflection, belief without understanding, works without creativity - I reject the OSR and its bloviating corruption. Embrace change and be free of OSR's corpse hands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gus you know Sword Dream exists right? A space of purity and safety made just for you.

      Delete
    2. I don't really care much about safety, I just want the sex creeps, bigots and fascist sympathizers to get the fuck out. I'm also not to fond of the OSR being the default label to sell overpriced crap adventure design that combines the worst elements of Gygax's monster zoos and 3.5E's epic adventure paths.

      SWORDDREAM is fine - but its focuses on ultralight systems, improv design, and a scene/narrative mechanics go against my own play preference. I like resource based, classic dungeon crawls.

      Delete
  24. Oh great Artpunkbishop!
    I confess I cavorted with emergent story dedicated games, where the goal is not to suffer where thou avatars die in pain for foolish acts but to produce tales of epic journeys and tell of great deeds without the perils of death!

    And I confess I do not regret I greatly enjoyed those heinous moments, where that bloated and disgusting False God that goes by the name of Story was the one we praised!

    I am Traitor and a Sinner, and although I know this I do not regret it.
    May my body burn in flames in your sight!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There can be no forgiveness for this most heinous of sins and terrible of Heresies! Ye are condemned to wander through TV Tropes.com till the end of days!

      Delete
  25. I was going to say that I couldn't possibly be a traitor to anyone, but I am weak and prone to poor decision making so I am bound to be a quisling of some sort. I accept all disapprobation.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No sin can be greater than not being driven enough to sin properly. Index theyself and make accounting.

      Delete
  26. I have heeded the temptations of whispering figures in the dark and have abased myself before the Invisible Sun offered up by that heretic Monte Cook - we opened the Black Box and gazed in wonder at the idols therein, and plan to demean our souls again a fortnight hence.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Nah I keep the old ways, got a new bunch of players with learned hopelessness on a play-by-post

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. oh but you know what- I have publicly extolled Gloomhaven over Kingdom Death, which is grievous treason and I do not deserve forgiveness, all of my desires in this world have failed me

      Delete
  28. Oh Artipunkifex!Internally, hidden from the auspices and cochlear instruments of my fellows, I have derided the dungeon, excoriated the empire, and, most damnably, rejected the Eurocentric tendencies of modern fantasy feudalism, turning to indigenous Mesoamerican empires as beacons of justice and fairness. O RNGesus, preserve me, for I have strayed from the holy light of medieval pseudofantasy, replacing it with a foul shadow of exploited peoples.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I finally got around to playing Baldur's Gate II, and it was fun. Therefore I am OS not OSR. Ha ha

    ReplyDelete