Monday 20 March 2017

21 British Kings as NPC's

I’m reading through Geoffery of Monmouth’s glorious widescreen bullshit History of the Kings of Britain. (I’m only up to Julius Ceasar).

The names, in particular, are fantastic, much more interesting than the names of real kings, and each one is either a hero, with some magnificent quality, a villain, or simply an NPC who gets listed with no comment. Joseph Manola managed to turn Pathfinder adventure paths into OSR modules by translating time into space, so why not do the same for British history? Here’s most of (interesting) the pre-roman British kings from that book, listed as if they were all alive in the same place at the same time.

Lud - famous for his town-planning activities. He is re-building the walls of the town of Kaerlundein and girding it with innumerable towers. He orders his citizens to construct their homes in such style that no other city in the most far-flung of kingdoms can boast of palaces so fair. Lud is a warrior king, lavish in arranging feasts.

Digueillus - the son of Capoir, a man modest and prudent in all his actions, and one who cares above all for the fair administration of justice amongst his people.

Beldgabred - Called the 'God of the Minstrels' this king surpasses all the musicians of ancient times, both in harmony, and in playing every kind of musical instrument.

Archgallo - He makes it his business to do away with the noble and exalts the base. He steals wealth from the rich and in this way heaps up untold treasure. The leaders of his realm refuse to endure this any longer. Archgallo's brother, called ‘The Dutiful’ is Elidurus. All the people of the realm desire him to be king, but each time the depose Archgallo, exile him and place him in charge, Elidurus uses disguise and trickery to restore Archgallo to the throne.

Gorbonianus  - No man alive is more just or a greater lover of equity, and none rule their people more frugally. He pays due honour to the gods and insists upon common justice for his people. In all the cities of his realm he restores the temples of the gods and builds many new ones. A great abundance of wealth floods his realm, such as is enjoyed by none of his neighbours.  He encourages the country folk to till their ground and protects them from the oppression of their overlords. he rewards his young soldiers with gold and silver, making it unnecessary for any of them to molest his comrades-in-arms.

Morvidus - Would be famous for his prowess if he was not outrageously cruel. Once he loses his temper he spares no-one, committing mayhem on the spot, if only he can lay his hands on his weapons. Once he proves victorious there is not a soul alive he will not slaughter, he orders his enemies to be dragged before him and satiates his lust for blood by killing them one by one. When he becomes so exhausted that he has to give up for a time, he orders the remainder skinned alive and in this state has them burnt.

For all this he is handsome and distributes gifts most open-handedly. In the whole land there is no-one as brave as he, or who can resist him in a fight.

A monster of unheard-of savageness has appeared on the coast of his kingdom and is eating up his towns one by one. Morvidus intends to fight her single-handed.

Marcia - Wife of the deceased king Guithelin, Marcia rules until her son, the heir Sisillus reaches his majority. Skilled in the arts, she is using her natural talent to invent many extraordinary things, including a full set of laws which she intends to call the Lex Martiana.

Gurguit Barbtruc - Though called a lover of peace and justice and having adorned the City of Legions with walls and public hangings, Barbtruc is also incredibly prideful and has fought wars against all his neighbours, reducing them to subjection. He has been refused tribute by the King of Denmark and is currently building a fleet and army in order to sail there, kill the king and reduce Denmark to a state of subservience.

Belinus - Takes pleasure in the proper administration of justice, a great builder of roads, he is extending the laws of sanctuary governing temples to every road leading to a temple. he has fought many wars, both at land and sea against his brother Brennius who desires only to take the throne. Despite being victorious Belinus consistently forgives Brennius due to the passionate oratory of their mother Touuenna who bears her breasts before him, embraces him, covers him with her tears and reminds him of the terrible pains she suffered bearing them both.

Dunvallo - Excelling all the other Kings of Britain for his good looks and bravery, he has declared that during his lifetime no bandits will be allowed to draw their swords, that the outrages of robbers will come to an end and that the temples of the gods and cities should be so privileged that anyone who escapes to them as a fugitive or when accused of some crime must be pardoned by his accuser when he comes out. It is not clear how these laws will interact.

Dunvallo is currently at war with Rudaucus and Staterius. At the height of his next battle he plans to have his crack troops change into the armour of the enemy, taken from their bodies, and in this way get close enough to his opponents to kill them. Unfortunately, they have developed the same plan.

Porrex - Porrex had a brother, Ferrex. When their father became senile Porrex tried to take the throne for himself, attempting to ambush Ferrex and assassinate him. Ferrex escaped to Gaul and returned with assistance from Suhard, King of the Franks but was killed in combat. Porrex thinks himself safe but his mother, Judon, always loved Ferrex more and is consumed with grief and hatred. She plans to wait till Porrex is asleep and then, with the help of her maid-servants, hack him to pieces.

Rivallo - A peaceful and prosperous young man who leads his kingdom frugally, he is nevertheless worried as it has been raining blood for three days and two men have died from the flies which have swarmed.

Leir - King Leir rules from Leicester but has become very old and senile. He has three daughters, Goneril, Regan and Cordelia and has a really excellent idea for dividing his kingdom between them.

Bladud - Bladud rules from the town of Kaerbadum, commonly called Bath due to the hot baths he has constructed there which are so suited to the needs of mortal men. He worships the goddess Minerva and in her temple he has lit fires which never go out or fall away into ash, for the moment they begin to die down they turn into balls of stone. An ingenious man who encourages necromancy throughout his realm, King Bladud has constructed a pair of wings for himself with which he can fly through the upper air.

Rud Hud Huidibras - This king rules from the fortress of Paladur on the walls of which an Eagle often lands and gives true prophecy.

Leil - A great lover of peace and justice, Leil rules from Kaerleil, which he built, but has become so old he is now feeble and inactive, a civil war threatens to break out.

Ebraucus - A tall man of remarkable strength who loves to sail and who is, essentially, a pirate and raider, rich in stolen silver and gold. He rules from Kaerbrauc, which he built. He has twenty wives and has also twenty sons and twenty daughters. The names of his sons are; Brutus Greenshield, Margodud, Sisillius, Regin, Morvid, Bladud, Lagon, Bodloan, Kincar, Spaden, Gaul, Dardan, Eldad, Ivor, Cangu, Hector, Kerin, Rud, Assaracus and Buel. The names of his daughters are; Gloigin, Ignogin, Oudas, Guenlian, Guardid, Angarad, Guenlodoe, Tangustel, Gorgon, Medlan, methahel, Ourar, Mailure, Kambreda, Ragan, Gael, Ecub, Nest, Chein, Stadudud, Cladus, Ebrein, Blangen, Aballac, Angoes, Galaes (the most beautiful of all women who live in Britian or Gaul), Edra, Anor, Stadiald and Egron.

Mempricus - Eaten up by burning treachery, Mempricus quarrelled with his brother Malin and called him to a conference of peace before murdering him in the presence of the other delegates. He then took over the government, exercising such great tyranny that, within a few years, he encompassed the death of almost all the more distinguished men. He hates his own family and by main force or treachery has done away with anyone who might succeed him in the kingship. he has also deserted his wife and abandoned himself to the vice of sodomy, preferring unnatural lust to normal passion. He enjoys hunting but fears wolves.

Locrinius - The eldest of three brothers, including Kamber and Albanactus. His kingdom was invaded by the King of the Huns. With the help of his brothers he defeated that king but on board his ship discovered three beautiful young women, one of whom was Estrildis, daughter of the King of Germany.

Estrildis was of such beauty that it would be difficult to find a young woman worthy to be compared with her. No precious ivory, no recently fallen snow, no lilies even could surpass the whiteness of her skin. Locrinius is utterly in love with Estrildis but is married to the daughter of his ally Corineus, who's name is Gwendolin. He has had a secret cave dug and has had Estrildis hidden there for seven years. Locrinius pretends to make sacrifices to his god and visits her then. She is now pregnant.

Corineus - Corineus rules Cornwall which he prefers as it is the cornu or horn of Britain and therefore matches his name. His greatest pleasure is wrestling giants, of which there are far more in his kingdom than any other, another reason for his preference. The greatest giant in his realm is called Gogamog and they have yet to wrestle.


  1. Fantastic! I'd love to see your take on the whacky characters of the "Historia Augusta". Here's just a taste.*.html