a liar and a coward and a cold-blooded killer

In addition.

Ah never should have killed that man. I saved his life and took it. You only get to occupy one side of those scales without breakin em and I’ve weighed down both. I’ve paid for it and I reckon I’m gonna keep payin’ for it.

That girl come and took her daddys eye back. She didn’t do nothing else about that fort though I’m sure we was all thinkin’ she coulda. Left that one up to us.

So we did some plann’ and some waitn’. Reckon we did too much waitin’. Gave those fellah’s inside time to de-frost some nasty surprises.

Don’t know why but I was always expectin’ those daemons they had froze up in there to get out and cause havoc, least, whenever I let daemons loose that’s always what happens to me. Guess some folks have better luck.

We ended up with about hundred-and-fifty guys, maybe two-hundred. Not many more than those inside. Brung down some buildings to get a big ramp up that way.

These guys made their dang curtain wall too close to the inner but that’s buildin’ in a city for ya.

My boy Nack takes me aside an hands me his pig-sticker.

“Joe”, he says, “Joe, they got all kindsa daemons up in there and you don’t know just what’s gonna happen so take this old girl and she’ll see you right.” Good boy that one.

We grab us an old plank or somehtin’ from somewhere. I give those boys the old stonewall-jackson line and takes em up that ramp and over we go.

Well it was a dumb choice but between waitin’ and stupidity you know how I go.

We run over that plank with it clatterin like train tracks. Aint over for a second before we’re pinned down up there. Those guys have us outnumbered and damn-well outgunned. First I see one fellah throwin’ magic at us, then another, then another, then one more. It’s a bad situation. They take out our boardin’ ramp pretty fast. I call for another.


(Shit, ah just about forgot to tell you about all the times, (that’s multiple) that boy Nack saved may old bug life. Well he was jumpin about like a crawdad infronta me. First I wonder “Well just what are you up to son?” Then I sees; he’s only snatchin’ dang arrows outta the damn air! And they aint aimed at him neither! Those arrows was pointed at me! He musta grabbed a whole bushel of those things. We’ll he’s the Real Deal, that’s all you need to say about Nack far as old Fiddlin’ Joes concerned.) 

Seems just about everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. Our magical cavalry get caught up duelling wizards instead of clearing the troops off that roof. As usual, everyone runnin’ about harum scarum, not a co-herent thought in they heads. Ah try getting round the back of one of these guys, ahm about to try shankin the boy but then ah think ‘hey Joe, what’s he got in those volumous robes there?’ Dammn it ah try robbin the man ah came to kill. Hobo ways don’t wear off so quick.

Ah last long enough to see the boys who were dumb enough to follow me over get wiped out to a man. Somethin’ knocks me out. Ah think mebby it would have been better if they’d left me there.

Next thing that pretty girl with the horns is draggin’ me outta some kind of web. Ah look down and see all mah scratches and scars dissapearin’ like they was never there. You’d think it a blessing but all it means is that a bug like me can take more hurt than he was ever meant to.

Turns out my boys took care of those wizards eventually, not much help from me on that one. That problem aint nothing but shit though cause now the real murder starts.

Those dang blasphemers inside, well they not only froze up some daemons. They allied with em too! And they sends one up to deal with their problem on the roof. That is to say, us.

I aint never seen a daemon before but this thing is some monstrous confusion of selves. Creature was a mess ah tell you! Had writin on it too which ah take to be elvish, having seen it before.

Fool that ah am ah try talkin’ to the thing. This boy seems indifferent to mah words. Course ah still had the wrong idea about the whole thing, assumin’ that cause’ they was all froze up in there these things is prisoners. Well they aint. They’s more like contract workers. None-too enthusiastic ones at that.

Talking don’t do a dammn thing so I hides mahself up in there while he tangles with Tizane, that girl with the horns, and old Loud Pete. Ah look down on this pig-sticker old Nack gave me and think to myself.

“Fiddlin Joe” for you’ll recall its always been mah pride and necessity to name myself in mah own thoughts for reasons ahm sure ah’ve described previous to now. “Fiddlin Joe, it’s about time you made good on all that bullshit you like so much so spread around. Git up there and stick that dang daemon right in the spine!”

Ah had the right position to do it too. Crept up on that dang super-natrul entity. Without stirrin’ a whisker. Ah raise that spear up and drive it right dang in the middle of its back!

Not a motherfuckin’ scratch on it. It don’t even turn around.

Ah shoulda died right there if not before. Guess a bug like me’s under the notice of a thing like that. Dumb-ass spear an’ all.

You’d think that woulda been my signal to git the hell outta there, but no, old Fiddlin’ Joes got yet more mistakes to make it seems.

Ah start lookin’ around for something useful to do. Start thinkin’ maybe if ah can’t hurt this thing, ah can still subvert it, if you get mah meaning. Ah grab some more of those elven boys and I’m about to lead them into this castle in search of some kinda advantage that might let us win when what do I see?

It’old Gaffer Sticks, mah brother-in-Vorn knocked plumb out and abandoned. Well, between leavin him on the battle ground and taken him with us was just about even so far as danger goes.

“In together, out together” thinks I and I order those boys to grab him up and come with me.

We don’t get too far into the place before we run into someone dead set on keepin’ us out. Guess ah shoulda thought of that what with it bein’ a siege and all. Still, no matter how bad it is down here, at least there ain’t no daemons.

Well that fuckin’ death machine only followed us in. Next thing ah hear is we got this infernal destroyer right up our asses.

You probably see how Fiddlin’ Joes kinda runnin outa options here. You aint’ wrong.

Forward or back I thinks. Ah tell my boys to roll me like a some kinda crazy bowlin ball right at the enemy in front. Mah hope was we burst through in a rush and take that daemon with us on a trip through his own castle, causin’ chaos all the way.

Well it don’t turn out like that. Not. At. All.

Its about that time I start screamin’. Pinned down like the bug ah am, trapped between mah own boys and the enemy, curled up on the floor, wriggling and crawlin and trying ta somehow get away. All I could hear was those fools I lead in here dyin and that demonic thing laughin’ fit to burst. Reckon he did notice mah attempted assassination after all, he was just takin’ his sweet time getting even. Ah don’t know how long ah was there, squirmin and cryin and just about covered in the blood of men mah dumb ideas got killed but it felt like a long time. Mebbe feels like I’m still there now.

Ah got away eventually and go rollin blindly down the stairs. Next thing ah know I’m inside the castle, right near a room where some kinda bigwigs got his HQ. Ah’ve got about one point five seconds ta come up with somethin’, any goddamn lie will do.

Well ah run in there screamin some crazy bullshit about assassins, hopin ta somehow turn the chaos to mah advantage.

Looks like ahm a little late for that. This boy got hisself assassinated bout ten seconds ago. (You know it’s that same fellah ah spoke to about the goblins?) These folks are a mite upset about that.

Well they capture me and take me away. Ah wrack and wring mah old bug brains trying ta come up with some kinda lie to make sense of it. Ah spew all kinds of crazy nonsense ta get them to take me to wherever they got those deamon locks or whateverthehell it was they was usin’.

They don’t give a dammn. Hell you’d have to be pretty dumb to fall for the same shit twice, and, more ah think on it, more it seems that’s all I got. The same shit over again.

Ah reckon ahm just where I deserve to be. Threw that boy outta that window like it wasn’t nothin’ at all, sent those poor dumb elves to they deaths, abandoned and got killed just about everyone who ever listened to me at all and ah never stopped talkin bullshit the whole time, you cut me open guess that’s what you find. Lies. An a thick streak of yellow right down mah spine. Ahm a liar and a coward and a cold-blooded killer and there aint no way outta that at all.

Ahm done talkin. Reckon I’ll just sit here and wait for one of these boys ta put me outta my misery.