Sunday 15 June 2014

My Girlfriend Doesnt Know Anything About Star Trek

Girlfriend - "What if there was going to be a new Star Trek, new Capin' new girl in mini skirt, new redshirts, everything, all of them. Who would you cast.?"

Me - "I don't want to think about that."

Captain Jenny Hammer

Karen Gillan is CAPTAIN JENNY HAMMER, a fresh promotion who no-one entirely trusts but it turns out that the crucible of firey combat transforms her into a Brilliant but Dangerous radical who can Think Round Corners but everyone is afraid may Go To Far. During tevery episode it always looks like she is going to lose then at the end it turns out she was Always One Step Ahead.

Commander Manu Coils
Dylan McDermott is FIRST OFFICER MANU COILS, one of a series of rapidly-grown clones who are super intelligent and can solve any problem but also intevitably betray everbody. The crew decides to decant and him and the series follows him for a while as everyone wonders 'will he be evil?' it looks like he won't and maybe this one will be good, but then at the end turns out he will. But Jenny Hammer has Thought Ahead and Takes Him Out even though it Kills her To Do It becaue are they Really So Different? Then next episode something terrible Threatens The Ship and they need to decant another one.

Doctor Pug Tyler

 Peter Dinklige is DOCTOR PUG TYLER, the doctor from a planet where everyone is SWAG as fuck. He is SWAG but also gets drunk on alien wine. He is a Xenoalcohilic with Sometimes Hilarious Results but also there is also Tragedy and Addiction.

Quin Books

Jason Momoa is QUIN 'FEAR ITSELF' BOOKS, the last member of a race plagued with DEADLY NANITES. He is safe on the ship but if he enters a planets ecosphere he turns evil and DEADLY NANITES try to take over the world. But he is a chill guy who likes art. People don't respect him becasue he is a bit of a hippy but then maybe he understands them More Than They Know so he is always there to offer Emotional Support. He has sexual tension with Captain Hammer but they can never bone becasue he is full of DEADLY NANITES. In one episode everyone is trapped on the Doom Planet and only Quin Books is left to save them, what will he do?

Ensign Boomer Dogs

 Duan De Haun is BOOMER DOGS, the Cryptic Helmsman who is Spiritual but also a Zen Hotshot. He sees alien ghosts but Tells No-One becasue they would Think Him Mad. At the end of the first season it turns out that the ghosts are really the ghosts of the crew from the future and they are trying to Warn Him Of Disaster. Which he Averts At The Last Moment. Next season he starts seeing even stranger things.

Jade Condition

Natalie Dormer can be JADE CONDITION, the Sexy but Dangerous security officer with a reputation for the Preemptive Response and maybe is a Closet Facist. in the evil mirror universe she is the Captain of the evil version of the ship. Everything is painted black there and people wear a lot of PVC. She is also a Deadly Duellist with a keen sense of Personal Honour. Every season an alien would Insult Her Honour and they would have to duel and then learn a New Respect so she becomes Less Racist.

Serenity Kong

Kathy Bates is the voice of SERENITY KONG, the Ships Comupter but also the uploaded death chorous of an alien biosphere killed by the DEADLY NANITES inside Quin Books. She hates him but when Danger Threatens All Civilised Worlds they may have to Work Together  to Save Everything. if the computer is ever turned off she will be Destroyed Forever and all memory of her world will Fade From History.

Lucinda Succotash

Kirsten Bell is LUCINDA SUCCOTASH, the Cheeky Black Marketeer with a secret Heart Of Gold. Captain Hammer wants her Off My Ship but then when the System's Down it looks like she might have Just What You Need.... For A Price.


  1. Screw Star Trek, let's make this instead.

  2. I would watch the pants off of this show.

    I'm especially looking forward to the spin-off web series about the hijinks that Quin Books gets up to, puttering around the ship, while everyone else is on Away Missions.