Monday, 21 April 2014

The Derro Review Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier

In this blizzard of images and sound a friendly electrical German tries to help the Prime American Conspiracy remove treasonous elements. The plan is opposed by the Captain America and therefore fails. All elements become treasonous. The Prime American Conspiracy is destroyed. The Captain America remains.

The Captain America is Johnathan Storm, Johnathan Storm is the actor ‘Evans’. Nicholas Fury is the Man of Snakes, the Man of Snakes is many men. Who is ‘Evans?’ Are the snakes a sign of ‘Hydra’? Numerous ‘Hydra’ personal infest airborne craft. The Man of Snakes opposes them, or seems to.

Scarlett Johansen is charming, as always.

The Captain America is stronger and faster than any Human Thing and has killed many thousands of Human Things. It retains the sympathy of still-useful Humans by pretending not to understand popular culture.

A theoretical conversation might proceed this way;

Still-Useful Human - “The Captain America, it has recently occurred to me that you are a mass murderer and have escaped the bonds of mortality and any moral responsibility for your previous actions. This seems non-optimal to me.”

The Captain America – “Sounds heavy, like that Beatles album, what was it called. ‘Paint it Black?’”

Still-Useful Human – “Oh ‘Steve’, your innocent yet entirely understandable misapprehension of popular culture has caused me to temporarily forget that you can crush my skull in your bare hands because you are not a human being.”

Throughout the presentation of this seeming reality the Captain America refuses to disclose any information, saying either that it has been asked not to, or that it lacks any information to disclose. At the same time, it mocks other elements for not readily disclosing information to it. By the presentations end, all information is disclosed, the Captain America reveals none itself.

The Captain Americas primary opposing element and chief instrument of the Primary American Conspiracy is the ‘Winter Soldier’. Its apparent superiority to The Captain America is an illusion. In reality the Captain America has fully subverted this element before the events depicted even began. In a previous existence or parallel reality the Captain America ensures that its most Useful Human is placed in position to become ‘The Winter Soldier’. This being done, the Captain America simply waits for the inevitable decay of inferior American mind-control techniques. The Winter Soldier element ultimately neutralises itself. When the Captain America presents apparent vulnerability the Winter Soldier element is fully subverted and, in fact, risks its own life to protect the Captain America by executing a downward leap to avoid the effects of Newtonian physics.

The most significant ability of the Captain America seems to be its ability to transit between realities by leaping in a downward direction. When circumstances become non-optimal and a rational assessment of odds would indicate an almost-certain death, the Captain America leaps downwards. First from a helicopter, then from a building, a bridge, a flying machine, and in numerous other circumstances.

On completing this downward movement, the Captain America suffers no ill-effects, but rather, executes a series of apparently-incoherent and disconnected movements that nevertheless result in its avoidance of any physical harm and the achievement of its immediate goals.

The Captain America is only rarely seen to move upwards. It is continually falling, though it rarely climbs.  Its main direction is always down. On a few occasions the Captain America joins machines in the air. These machines inevitably fall to the earth.

At all times those occupying underground spaces hold the advantage. Nicholas Fury escapes in a pipe leading directly to the Captain America’s bedroom. He is then placed in a secret cave. The friendly electrical German occupies the deepest possible position. When this position is threatened the Captain America escapes with Scarlett Johansen to a still-deeper area in avoidance of a bomb.

Even after its total destruction of all opposing and restraining factors and its obvious position as most powerful element, the Captain America is not suspected by any elements. As its power grows, belief in its innocence deepens. This is the lesson of Captain America 2, The Winter Soldier. The hero conspiracy is the most powerful conspiracy of all.


  1. daily derro news blog would be awesome

  2. The Captain of America is a machine that subverts gravity vectors into Marshall curves. The net result when projected into three dimensions is an appearance of falling without rising. No bootstraps required here.

  3. surely inferior russo germanic hydro american mind control?

  4. Waiting for the Drow and Duergar critics to weigh in ... Captain America in 3-D.

    1. Oh god, I'm so glad I didnt see 12 Years a Slave casue I would have to have the Drow review that.

    2. Hey I like this, a very creative interpretation of a movie I otherwise mostly liked. Nice work.