Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Scroll of summoning Nicholas Cage from the film 'Knowing'

Remember when Planet Algol did that scroll of summoning Kurt Russel? Back in 2010? No? Well i did.

Then my girlfriend decided to send me an email from the living room describing all the varied roles Nicholas Cage plays in the film 'Knowing', which I was avoiding by reading upstairs.

So you can thank her for this.

In each of his embodiments Nicholas Cage believes he is a man called John Koestler. he is not. He is the actor Nicholas Cage pretending to be John Koestler.

The stats of Nicholas Cage pretending to be John Koestler are

STR 12
CON 13
CHA 11
INT 15

The number you roll on the D10 is also the level of this Nicholas Cage. Result one is a level one grieving widower, result ten is a level ten cleric of the alien angels. His HD is always a d6. Attack bonus and saves equal to a magic user.

1. Nicolas Cage: Professor of Astrophysics.
This entirely rational Nicholas Cage is an expert in Astrophysics, he knows god is a lie and the world an empty waste in which we only wait for death. He fears nothing, yet everything.
Solves any physics question, leaves everyone present feeling pretty depressed about is as the answer always necessitates entropy.

2. Nicolas Cage: Grieving widower.
This Nicholas Cage is familiar with the blows of an unjust world. He knows what love is, and how little of us can be saved by love. His wife is dead.
All intelligent beings weirdly sympathetic with the loss of this Nicholas Cage, despite the fact that he is an irritating fuck. NPC’s will help this Cage, and try to set him up on a date.

3. Nicolas Cage: Father of vaguely troubled son who needs a hearing aid but can still hear without it.
This Nicholas Cage knows how to deal with problems that are pretty bad, but overcome-able with some planning and effort. He deals empathically with his attractive and winsome child.
Extends his saves to nearby children so long as they are not that bad, not that damaged and not in that much danger.

4. Nicolas Cage: Rebellious agnostic son of a pastor
This Nicholas Cage is good at arguing with clerics, he irritates the fuck out of them. They are continually disappointed with him. They thought he had the strength to believe.
Disrupts clerical casting by whining and carrying on. Casting impossible around him while he can speak as any nearby cleric will stop what they are doing to argue with Nicholas Cage.

5. Nicolas Cage: Action hero
This Nicholas Cage loves to run the fuck about and can clear incredible distances in his attempts to save people whose death he has predicted. He never saves them. Death is inevitable.
Acts as a level 10 fighter with acrobatic abilities unless people are in danger, in which case he acts as a level 5 magic user with no spells.

6. Nicolas Cage: Prophet
This Nicholas Cage knows when bad things are going to happen because a page full of numbers he got from space alien angels has the dates and locations on it. Your characters death is on there. You will not believe him. Neither will anyone else.
His warnings become truth. He cannot protect you from any danger aimed at you, but can protect you from just crazy shit that’s generally around.

7. Nicolas Cage: Pained drunkard
This Nicholas Cage is drunk as fuck most of the time. All of his drinks are symbolic. He stares into his wine glass thinking of his wife. When he puts down his whiskey glass the ring highlights the dooms of peoples yet to be. He smashes his reflection in the mirror with the glass.
Drunk as fuck.

8. Nicolas Cage: Martyr
This Nicholas Cage is ready to die for the world. You will have a hard time stopping him from doing that.
Can protect any ailing or threatened character by sending them to live with the alien angels. They will never be seen again.

9. Nicolas Cage: Man ravaged by winds
This Nicholas Cage is always surrounded by winds. He stares, often, into the sky above his head, as if following a rapidly receding point of view. He stands, arms spread, waiting for the wind to end.
Surrounded by high speed winds at all times.

And finally...

10. Nicolas Cage: Believer
This Nicholas Cage is now a functioning cleric of the alien angels that are coming to destroy the earth. However, he doesn't have much time left. All of his powers involve destroying the earth.
Has one level twenty spell that burns everything.

You can see a number of those roles in the lst ten minutes of the film here. It's off-its'-tits crazy.


  1. Think his Bad Lieutenant was different enough from Drunk Cage to warrant a slot?

    1. I haven't seen it. But it wasn't in the film 'Knowing'. If you bring in *all* the Nicholas Cages from different films then its too easy.

  2. Nicholas Cage looks familiar...¬¬ I remember "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance"... so bad as "Dragon Ball Evolution"... Brrrr....... yikes!!!!

  3. Have you seen this? I hope you have, but in case not: watch it now.