Gave birth unexpectedly an hour or so ago, they's already givin' me trouble.
Eldest is Malicia-Jo, I'm not entirely sure what that girl looks like since, soon as she popped outta the egg she wrapped herself up in a bedsheet and climbed into the rafters, girl is twice as stealthy as her daddy was at that age, plus I'm pretty sire she's wearin' a disguise made from macrame. Even I can't find her half the time. Hafta wait for the girl to jump at me from offa curtain pole holdin' a breadstick like a dagger. She ain't steal nothin yet but she sure does like gettin up behind a fellah. Ah tell her, don't you backstab Daddy Malicia, it ain't familial. That girl is one for arguin' back I tell you! Even I can't get a word in edgeways! Ah don't know where she gets those details from. Seems like ain't somethin' go again' her and shes up there arguin the case like a dammned lawyer! That ain't how the world words girl!
Next comes Izildra-Jo. She is the most like her mother for sure, pretty as the night is long. Her shell is pure white. It ain't finely applicable to stealth I'm afraid but she is smart enough. Girl can put her mind to just about anything. Izildra-Jo likes wanderin' in the night, climbin' up the minarets and starin and the stars. I gotta bunch of pictures she made and they's all of different stars. Girl never stops wonderin' about whats gonna happen and why. 'Why did that happen daddy?' and 'When will this happen?' and 'What next?' and 'Why?'. Vorn-dammn it girl will you live in the present for a second or two!
Then came Petey-Joe who is almost pure-black and looks kinda messed up a little. He don't let it slow him down none though. Boy loves stealin' books! Takes right after his old dad in that respect. Cause' he also like fire to quite a degree. 'Son those enthusiasms do not mix I say, but he don't listen to a thing I tell him. Boy carries around and old sock fulla lead balls, says its his 'Deamon' and he summoned it. Drew eyes on it too. Caught him trynna draw some magic signs in vindaloo sauce onna bottom of a table once. You better not be gatin' anything in here son! You stick to burnin' things and stealin', thats safe.
Praise-Be-To-Vorn-Joe is a silent fellow. The other kids have taken to callin him 'Eyeball-Joe' on account of how he just kinda looks at em for the longest time. Kinda freaks em out to tell the truth. I think I ain't never seen him even move. He must do it when I'm outta sight for he does get from place to place somehow. Kid is convinced he can make forks rust just by lookin' at em. Ah never saw it work myself but he was certain I tell you. 'Look Daddy, it decays!' Well sure it does son, that's why they also call you 'Rusty' Joe, on account of you has bestrewn yourself with rusty leavings. I don't know where you found them in this desert. Eyeball don't get on to well with his own twin, though they came from the same egg.
Praise-En-Gorath-Joe, now this boy simply _will not_ speak the common tongue, or even the language they got here. Ah'm pretty sure he can but he won't do it. All he does is talk in the sacred tongue of En Gorath, known to all insects. This boy won't wear clothes and its hell to get him to hold a knife even! He just runs all over the walls and ceiling, buries himself in the sand, says he's talkin' to the ants. Well sure son you can but they ain't got much to say to anything. Ants is dull as a general rule. Keeps referrin' to my personal colleagues and friends as 'Meatsacks'. Well that is cruel and proscriptive Joe and I don't know where you got that kind of language from at all. The family has taken to callin' him 'Linguisitcal' Joe on account of his talent with the Sacred Tongue but that is a pleasant alternative to what they might call him I tell you!
Tizania-Jo is next and she is near as pretty as her Momma as well, though somewhat extreme of aspect. I'm not sure where those horns came from, though I do recall an uncle with them so maybe thats it. Tizania-Jo is one for thinkin' things through before she acts, that girl does not like to get sucked into things too quick. If she ain't arguin' with Malicia-Jo over some interminable chunk o' detail she's usually hangin' out with Slow-Joe. They both of them have kinda a too-great respect for caution if you ask me! Last time I saw Tizania-Jo she was off with Izildra-Jo, I thought they were settin' up some sweet fortune-telling scam to dupe the local rubes. Ah could not have been more shocked when I pulled back that starry curtain and found them up to that stuff for real! What the hell girls? The Tarot is for rollin' marks not actual prognosticatin!
Nacky-Joe, this boy takes after his daddy for sure! He ain't afraid of nothin' no-how no-way. Aint no hombre to big for this guy, why he's squirlin' fer a brawlin' pretty much twenty-four seven. I say he's brave as hell! Only trouble is he keeps wantin to punch em in the front instead of stabbin em in the back. 'I like your enthusiasm son but, learn where ribs are you know what I mean? The spleen is a thing you know. Organs. listen to your big sister, if you can find her. You can't go facin of with someon tryna do you kung foo son, you is only about a foot and a half high so far, you just aint got the reach. Sure fights is good but fightin aint everythin there is you know, there is also theft, plus more complex frauds. Ah, now I sound like an old man for sure.
Jo-Elsjin well she is a sweet girl and she sure as hell ain't no coward but Jo-Elsjin is a problem child for certain. I can't tell if this girl is retarded or just strange. It seems like she either don't know who she is or don't know who everyone else is. Or whats goin on, or where, or why. Girl maybe has some kinda narcolepsy, she is just about fallin asleep all most-of the time. I'm more likely to find her passed out over a mud pie than actually doin' somethin'. Jo-Elsjin does like to make friends, she is friendly enough, but she is shamefully easily-lead and if someone tells her to she will just set upon a body like a dang savage. Well she damn near broke mah kneecap with a claw hammer till I reminded her who I was! I'm just glad Nacky-Joe is around to look after her and reminder who the hell she is. Vorn alone knows what would happen to her if her weren't there.
Ward-Josiah. Dammint, my own son a Vorn-Dammned Narc! Where the hell you get thatfrom boy cause it sure as hell wasn't from me! I don't know what the hell you think you're doin' remindin everyone exactly what laws they happen to be breaking at any particular time but I will tell you now, crime got this family where it is today! And that ain't no-where. Now it is true that just a few days ago I was robbed of my gigantic fortune by a couple of thieves, leaving us almost entirely destitute, and no doubt you Ward-Josiah Cooper would call that 'just desserts'. But, what happened then? Well your daddy only got mugged by a bunch of goblins, and then by some jacklemen, and then by a dang wizard, and then by Jubilex. And he only killed those fools and took every dang thing they had. (Except for Jubilex, who does not carry cash apparently.) So you see Son, Crime is a great big wonderful wheel and if you get robbed, well hell you just go and rob someone else! There ain't nothin fairer than that, it is a true meritocracy. (And I don't wanna see you wavin that landern around and tryna banish your brothers sock you hear? You leave Petey-Joe alone.)
JOE-MANINGO YOU DAMMN WELL GET BACK HERE AND APOLOGISE TO YOUR SISTER! AH DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR EXCUSES. HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING BOY AND YOU ONLY A FEW HOURS OLD? THE SHAME YOU HAVE BROUGHT ON THIS FAMILY IN YOUR SHORT SHORT LIFE BY GOD BOY IT STAGGERS ME TO THINK THAT YOU ARE MINE AT ALL. DON'T YOU HIDE FROM ME AT THE BACK AND GET YOUR BROTHERS TO DO YOUR FIGHTING FOR YOU YOU DAMN WELL STAND FORTH BOY. WHY BY VORN I WILL MAKE A MAN OUTTA YOU IF I NEED TO WHACK THE FUCKING ALPHABET INTO YOU WITH THE BACK OF MY HAND. GET BACK HERE JOE-MANINGO DON'T YOU RUN FROM ME BOY.
Joe-Joe come on boy! Keep up! Ah know things are dangerous, well thats why you take risks in the first place! You gotta develop opportunities to deal with the trouble you already caused, and to do that you gotta cause more trouble. Why it works fine as long as you just keep causin more and more trouble and moving faster and faster to stay away from the consequences. Its stayin on one place that will get you killed! No you cannot stay with the horses. Look at you boy you is barely a foot high! Those things will step on you! Dang it son what are you don' cleanin up in here when we came to rob the place! Put that mop away boy and grab you some gems! Well it ain't my fault the others call you 'Slow Joe', slow you is and slow you are! (Least you ain't a damn recreat coward like that Joe-Maningo.)