It almost, almost makes sense.
So Walter White and his gang took over an ancient dungeon/monestary using evil Meth that eats your soul.
His gang possessed the bodies of the soul-eaten monks. They got busy drugging up the monks cute pet mini-potimuses and driving them feral. They also terrified the native Australopithecus.
But! The monks (whose souls were not eaten, becuase they work for MANPAC and he vomited them right back into reality) have taken over old suits of armour and are fighting back.
Walter White needs Werner Herzog to complete his plans to develop evil drugs from pure Art but Werner Herzog is being sought by murderous artists (for obvious reasons). Walter is also obsessed with that cute girl you knew from school.
1 Stairs to surface/next level
2 Carrera marble golem of the virgin-It is a foot tall & eerily beautiful. It is harmless. If unmolested, it will continue to roam the halls.
3 Fragments of a dazzling human teeth mosaic, very damaged, are here--a landscape with only a pair of white legs ending in hooves are visible so far.
Pieces of the mosaic can be found throughout the dungeon, and will fuse to the wall if placed on the mosaic.
The true form of the mosaic is of Beaowulf of the decayed empire of the millitant opium dreamers on a horse--and assembling it will create a work of art worth PC level x 1000gp, however it is possible to construct false forms by accident or design.
Existing mosaic+humanoid upper body = a demon. The god of evil narwhales in 76 will begin calling anyone present to it. Save vs spell.
Existing mosaic+missing front horse legs+human upper body = centaur. Each round, violent madness will be inflicted on whichever party member rolls the lowest on a d20 until they leave the room.
Missing pieces are in rooms 19, 87, 50
4 This moaning Australopithecus is intelligent & can speak but does not show it because it fears magnesium fire It seeks the golden nose in room 21
5 Dead moaning Australopithecus
6 Monster in 7 can be heard from here
7 Murderous living orrery It is too large to leave the room.
8 Three posessed monks s looking for Werner Herzog
9 Echoing corridor
10 Statue of MANPAC --vandalized. d6 dead posessed monks s with a drugged up micro-potumus here dead in the center of the triangle, apparently dragged from 25. The triangle will slowly devour them over the course of an hour, at which point the statue will come to life and seek out the the god of evil narwhales in room 75.
11 living painting of a mass-killer inside a bell that is a tornado of living mercury
12 Nonfunctional bell that is a tornado of living mercury
13 -Junk everywhere, vial of carbolic acid quasar beams
14 As soon as the PCs enter this room their genitals fold into inacessable pocket dimension.
A wizard will recognize the effect as a product of a special curse that can be removed on the request of a specific living master (the blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes )
15 Kitchen. Pots, pans, the usual. There is a brick oven & a small pantry closet. A halfling could fit in it.
16 This room is full of the eyes of strange monsters that the
blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes has collected.
The columns here look weak and can be destroyed with 30 pts of damage. The ceiling will cave in.
17 2 identical statues. One made of dust one made of gold human teeth.
18 There is a mandolin here worth 2500gp. Playing it for the first time will cause monster in room 7 to break out and crash through the rooms, collapsing the ceilings until it gets to the player.
19 Library. Full of riddle forming pyroxene crystals
-humanoid upper body mosaic pieces from the mosaic in room 3
20 Hall. 11 small portrait paintings. One of each of different brain-eating Aye-Aye's. They are worth d20 x 100gp to collectors with unusual tastes
21 Paladin of MANPAC fighting posessed monks in desperate battle
A golden nose. Worth 600gp.
22 Empty cells.
23 Old dining room. Three paintings here: each eight feet wide, worth 2000 gp each.
25 Dying Priest of MANPAC, just finished pulling foes to room 10.
|MANPAC, eater of ghosts|
drugged up micro-potumus
Blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes. It is disguised as a whispering tagolin and will observe the PCs.
26 A Chatty intelligent wolf is here--it obeys the blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes. The chatty intelligent wolf has (as always) hidden a key to room 67 in broken flailsnail shell-wardrobe
27 There is a cursed cloak of hummingbird skins. Any creature inspecting it will be afflicted by a desire to eat your own fingers for 1d4 rounds.
28 Channel of carbolic acid from south ends in a pool here
29 Channel down center of hallway filled with carbolic acid a vampire-chewed apple core is floating in it.
31-Secret door activated by mechanism in room 85
32-Secret door activated by mechanism in room 85
33 Pool of carbolic acid
34 Dead murderous artist carrying diary, contains biographical details of Walter White including his birthday
35 Grey touched with gold like the sky before dawn crystal formation. Anything grey touched with gold like the sky before dawn that touches it will begin to vibrate unnaturally--the object will then reflect magic for one hour and then explode.
36 Walking into this room lowers steel bars where the green O's are and releases monster in 37.
37 Half-ton carniverous starfish in cage.
38 Walter White's bedroom.
|the one who knocks|
If Walter White is not in this room the (ordinary) doors will be locked. Secret door: behind a cuttlefish-lamp--a thin crack will be visible. Room contains a make-up table (no mirror, of course), a canopy bed hung with velvet, (d12 x 100) gp worth of other trinkets. The bed, painting, Walter White 's wardrobe, & the table are each worth (d12 x 100) gp. There is a Ming Vase, (the insects on it come alive and bite you) under the bed containing 600 gp & locket with a small painting of Walter White
39 Switch raises and lowers bars in rms 36-38
40 Child's bedroom. Belongs to Walter White's daughter. Her remaining toys ( surprisingly dangerous chemistry set ) are here.
41 Cute squishy toy that grows poisoned spikes dropped by door.
42 Stone walls carved into the shape of your mum screaming with her eyes hanging out
43 Animated empty suits of rusty broken plate
44 Mothering female Liche in cage. Sibling of Walter White Gone mad long ago. She may aid the PCs if they convince her they can help her escape the dungeon. She hates Walter White & will make any deal to be reunited with her, but again, will turn on anyone aware of her existence immediately afterward.
45 Anything made of dust placed on the altar will be transformed into gold human teeth.
Any screams and shouts in the circle or crossing it will be transformed into earbleeding fear.
46 Texts sacred to religion of MANPAC
47 Puzzle room: scrimshawer, sword sharpener and habidasherer are sacred to this religion. A magic mask asks 3 questions only members of those professions, respectively, would know. Wrong answers = power word hug and it emits a the screaming of an eveiscerated pig.
48 Statue of a creature of screams and shouts . An Archpriest of MANPAC is here. (PC level x 1000 gp worth of gold flake on statue.)
49 Murals depicting Beaowulf and betrayal by Wiglaf the thane
50 Tombs. d6 Priests of MANPAC
Fragment of mosaic in room 3 showing horse head and humanoid lower body in a saddle.
51 Tombs. Vial: Substance repels rodent
52 Tomb of Beaowulf
53 Mouldering skeleton of hero's traitorous ally, palladium medal of protection from steel
54 d6 animated empty suits of rusty broken plate guarding sacrifice chamber. They have keys to the cage in room 55.
55 Cute squishy toy that grows poisoned spikes
Apparently a that cute girl you knew from school in a cage. Is actually a golem of tractomorphic rubik's cubes . It is looking for the moaning Australopithecus because it betrayed her.
56 Prayer room, distinctive to MANPAC
57 Prayer room, distinctive to MANPAC
58 2 dead animated empty suits of rusty broken plate
59 2 destroyed animated empty suits of rusty broken plate --one muttering "The murderous artist , the murderous artist " shattered manacles on the floor.
60 2 animated empty suits of rusty broken plate guarding the entrance to room 61
61 chest of easily portable gems being examined by 3 animated empty suits of rusty broken plate.
Room is full of jars of aqua viatie
62 Giant Collecting scarab beetle. A pile of its eggs obscure the door to the north. Two riddle forming pyroxene crystals containing secret of your characters true parentage are hidden under the pile.
63 Full of arrowheads and caltrops collected by a giant Collecting scarab beetle
64 Well, rusty water.
Dead adventurers. Burned spellbook. Partially accurate formula for LOTFP Summon spell remains. Failed int check indicates LOTFP Summon spell at + d20 levels
65 Door to north opens easily, door to east seems old and stuck.
66 Hungry lazy giant octopus room. Chatty intelligent wolf throws organic waste into this room.. The~hungry lazy giant octopus covers the entire room, including the wall, obscuring the locked, unpickable secret door there.
6 - Friendly giant rabbit. It knows all about the blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes, which is why the blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes has had chatty intelligent wolves wall it up in a secret chamber. blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes keeps it alive ~lonlieness
68 Murals, int check to read, glyphs and pictograms seem to refer to gold human teeth and earbleeding fear sonic power
69- Empty or stairs to surface/next level
70 Quiet room.
72 Door is large, impressive and locked. Picking is at half chance.
73 Throne room of King/Queen of the long dead decayed empire of the millitant opium dreamers .
74 Refined Heroin guarded by soft rain of petals that make you scream yourself to death
75 The god of evil narwhales It has been trapped here by a mystic seal on the secret door by the blind wizard with implanted beholder eyes and seeks revenge.
76 Clearly a room once built by the decayed empire of the millitant opium dreamers.
77 Contains various instruments of Death Dreams Of Unholy Saints
78 Disused prayer rooms of Unholy Saints. Walter White was having experiments conducted until capture of Werner Herzog made them unnecessary.
Murderous artist assassin seeking Werner Herzog
79 Disused prayer rooms of Unholy Saints d4 scavenging tarantulas
80 Disused prayer rooms of Unholy Saints Blood, remains of scavenging tarantulas
81 d8 scavenging tarantulas
82 Statue of MANPAC
83 d10 animated empty suits of rusty broken plate plus giant orchidman
84 Walter White ,Jesse and d4 dumb thugs, broken salt shaker full of explosive white crystals. Huge painting of that cute girl you knew from school conceals secret door.
85 Cage containing mechanical model of universe, rotating planets into proper position for the day opens secret door in room 31, rotating them onto Walter White 's birthday opens secret door in room 32
86 Pool of carbolic acid
87 Werner Herzog just escaped, hiding from the assassin in room 78.
|"i do not hate the jungeon, i love the jungeon. but i love it against my better judgement"|
-missing front horse legs from mosaic in room
88 Walls carved with scenes dedicated to MANPAC depicting members of the following professions: scrimshawer, sword sharpener, habidasherer--all kneeling
Careful inspection reveals that carving is not wholly original and the figures have been repurposed. There is a monster with a huge mouth where the secret door to 73-76 is.