Monday, 25 August 2014

Non Magical 5e Characters



5th Edition Magical Rehab

Like a coke dealer sneaking into a Bat Mitzvah, 5e thinks everyone deserves a little magic in their lives.

EVERYONE.

So if you are an old school weirdo who wants to keep a clear divide between magic using and normal classes, or if you just never want to look up a spell, ever, or think about ‘expending a slot’, then it actually becomes a little difficult to avoid picking up some magical special sauce from your class.

So here are all the ways to avoid being magic.

Race

Ok

Human
Dwarf (Hill or Mountain)
Halfling (Stout or Light)
Half-Orc
Rock Gnome
Half-Elf

Mmmaybe

Wood Elf (Stealth powers not really magic but…)
Dragonborn (Breath weapon is semi-naturalistic but….)

Never

High Elf (One cantrip is one too many)
Drow
Tiefling
Wood Gnome

Class

Ok

Barbarian – Berserker
Fighter – Old School Improv Fighter
Fighter – 4thy Asperger’s fighter
Rogue –Thief
Rogue – Assassin


Mmmaybe

Monk – Way of the Open Hand nnnn so close, you do get ‘Tranquility at 11th level, which is a spell effect but maybe not a spell. This one nearly got promoted to 'Ok', but if we are not letting in 'totem warriors' then I don't think we can allow meditating monks.
Barbarian – Totem Warrior. Communing with Nature, whatever.
Ranger – Any. Almost. You get spells but in theory you could just use them to power your ‘Primal Awareness’ thing which is like a sonar ping for weird. But you would have to keep not using spells.

Never

Fighter – Eldritch Knight, (let’s be kind and call this Weird Arthurian Knight)
Bard – Any
Cleric – Any
Druid – Any
Monk – Ninja monk
Monk – Anime Elemental Monk
Paladin – Any
Rogue – Arcane Trickster
Sorcerer –Any
Wizard – Any
Warlock - Any

I also made this generator for a world in which there are no magical classes. Instead of having Human as one choice equal with the rest I decided to include a range of human races, that's unlike D&D races, which are actually species...

Anyway. Instead of using made-up D&D Human races I gave human races the very rough equivalent of the human racial distribution of Earth. Which was a can of worms I can tell you, since no-one agrees with anyone about anything and once you get past the vaguest kinds of ethnic distinction people differ a lot. So, surprise news for me, most people on earth are vaguely asian, there's roughly equal numbers of black and white people and no-one can agree what 'South American' means. Who knew dividing people by race could get so complicated so fast?

Anyway, here you go, click this Hellblazer page to generate your entirely non-magical character.

javascript:(function(){%20var%20output=%20"";%20var%20blobheading%20=%20[["I%20am%20a"],[""],["and%20will%20advance%20as"]];%20var%20paragraph%20=%20"\n";%20var%20blob%20=%20[["sort-of-african%20human","vaguely%20european%20human","kind-of-middle-eastern%20human","central/south%20american%20human","vaguely-asian%20human","vaguely-asian%20human","vaguely-asian%20human","Half-Orc","Rock%20Gnome%20","Half-Elf","Hill%20Dwarf","Mountain%20Dwarf","Half%20Orc","Stout%20Halfling","Lightfoot%20Halfling"],["Acolyte","Charlatan","Criminal","(Spy)","Entertainer","(Gladiator)","Folk%20Hero","Guild%20Artisan","Guild%20Merchant","Hermit","Noble","Knight","Outlander","Sage","Sailor","Pirate","Soldier","Urchin"],["a%20Fighter","a%20Fighter","a%20Fighter","a%20Fighter","a%20Beserker","a%20Thief","a%20Thief","a%20Thief","a%20Thief","%20an%20Assassin"]];%20for(var%20i=0;%20i<blob.length;%20i++){var%20heading%20=%20blobheading[i];%20var%20table%20=%20blob[i];%20output%20+=%20(paragraph)+(heading[Math.floor(Math.random()*heading.length)])+"%20"+(table[Math.floor(Math.random()*table.length)])+(paragraph);%20};%20alert(output+(paragraph));%20})();

7 comments:

  1. I am a Half Orc Hermit and will advance as a Beserker.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am a vaguely-Asian Human noble who will advance as a thief.
    Well .. that's gameable.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am a kind-of-middle-eastern human

    Pirate

    and will advance as an Assassin

    It's everything I love!

    Thanks for this.

    ReplyDelete
  4. There is no such thing as "asperger's". Psychiatry itself is a bogus science. The following articles and essays explain this:

    12 Part essay that exposes psychiatry as a bogus science
    http://antipsychiatry.org/

    Inventor of ADHD: “ADHD is a fictitious disease”
    www.currentconcerns.ch/index.php?id=1608

    Co-Founder of DSM admits there is no way to scientifically prove that mentall illness is real
    www.cchrint.org/psychiatric-disorders/psychiatrists-on-lack-of-any-medical-or-scientific-tests/

    One year old babies and younger being put on psychiatric drugs
    http://www.infowars.com/babies-on-psychiatric-drugs-crime-with-no-punishment/

    Psychiatric Drugs Shorten Life Span by 15 years on average
    www.stopshrinks.org/reading_room/antipsych/psych_drugs_shorten_life.html

    Psychiatry is based on lies and falsehoods
    http://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2013/05/07/the-lying-liars-who-lie-about-psychiatry/

    Psychiatry is a fake science
    http://jonrappoport.wordpress.com/2012/09/05/more-evidence-psychiatry-is-a-fake-science/

    http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_industrypsychiatry26.htm

    Every human emotion is now a "mental illness"
    http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/ciencia/ciencia_industrypsychiatry27.htm

    Ten Myths about Psychiatric Drugs
    http://www.metzelf.info/information/myths.html

    Studies show psychiatric drugs have no benefits and are dangerous
    http://childhealthsafety.wordpress.com/2011/08/17/three-new-studies-show-%E2%80%9Cpsychiatric-drugs-provide-no-benefit-and-are-dangerous%E2%80%9D/

    Psychiatry is now giving 3 year old children drugs
    http://www.anh-usa.org/medicaid-psychiatric-drugs/

    Psychiatric drugs make you sicker
    http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/cross-check/2012/03/05/are-psychiatric-medications-making-us-sicker/

    A few free eBooks talking about how psychiatry is a massive hoax
    http://www.psychiatric-help.org/PSYCHIATRIC-HELP/default.asp

    A list of THOUSANDS of psychiatrists who have committed crimes against their patients
    http://www.psychcrime.org/database/

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'll definitely be using this if/when I play 5e. Should be good!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I'm a vaguely-Asian Human Hermit, and I'll be advancing as a Fighter!
    *pokes monster with his hobo bindle while the rice cooks*

    (trying not to laugh to hard at the guy arguing about the non-existence of Asperger's by pulling out all the specific anti-psychiatric links that he's carefully collected and curated...)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Half-Orc Folk Hero who advances as a Thief! Noted!

    ReplyDelete