I fucking love writing badly

It calms me right down.  


I promised a friend an "achingly portentous, barely comprehensible, sub-tolkien prophecy to motivate you" 

This is a pointless quest, leading nowhere. Is following a deranged made up poem-prophecy more stupid than thieving gold from monsters so you can get points that make you 'better'? Probably.

"Heed FOOL these lips have spaken lines that counselled dying kings

and then spit deeds of starry wisdom in a burning spray of rings.

I have heard the muttered whisper of dementia-riddled gods

I have seen the subtle barking of the Prophets sneaky dogs

I have spoken with the Kraken on his indigo-black throne

I have feasted with the ghoul-god as he cracked an angels bone

In the marrow of the bone there, in the scratchings of the dogs

In the Kraken-limb mandala, in the begging of the gods

A name has made it's knitting like a fish caught in a scarf

A scarf where fish are knitted in an umber-woolen path

A NAME crawled forth from legends in the darkest dreams of man

a name that quakes and bleeds and burns, 'tis yours EUSYRAM!

AYE Eusyram the noble and Eusyram the fool

tis your name hidden in the tale the comet spread from Thule

AYE. Thule!That distant land of men whose sourcerous minds doth scorch

whose sky-craft flips through history's page on destiny's front porch

have named your name as forefront in the wizened wizards scheme

to surf the flame and quench the deep and seek the Crystal Dream!

FIVE SIGNS they have predicted that will speed you on your quest

yet NONE may be related lest its secret free the rest.

So riddles I shall pose thee Euysram the knight

unknot these cryptic weavings and the dream is yours by right!

Decode these lines and know the schemes and sights and tricks and path

evade the gurgling Gnathopod, flee from the Chetchindwrath!

First, seek you out the wormlight where the yellow grasses gleam

then mount the lunar lion, but, beware the horrid Breem!

The Breem The Breem, oh monster swimming from a nightmares jaw

evade the boiling eye of it and break the horrors maw!

Then secondly, make straight for shores where two man walk as one,

where gold gives way to silver and the apple eats the sun.

where earth and water masticate beneath the hoof-struck bridge,

where ravens mock the eagles beak as sunlight strikes the ridge.

Obey these words Eusyram and wisdom you shall find,

and soon the dream of Asteroth that cracked the crystal mind!

Next, waste no time but straight away disrobe the widows wife,

make hobbit stew and dwarf pies too and whet the elf-lords knife

this done, my cryptic riddles shall reveal their subtle form

and rouse the hand of Asteroth beneath the nighted dawn.

Oh Asteroth oh Asteroth, the master of the Breem

the crocheter of mocking time the weaver of the dream!

The Crystal Dream that broke the cycle many moons ago

and lying now in fragments waits for light, it waits for you!

For you Eusyram, for fates entrapping blade

for destiny's sweet midwife who a hundred dawns have greyed.

Fear not Eusyram for your quest is near at hand

where castles clamp the shoreless sea and quell the whispering sand.

Where fools are knighted by the wise, where wizards bow to birds,

where eyebeams from the hero's gaze entrap the poets words!

Look there Eusyram! Within the black encrypted rooms,

the cellular asylum where the dirge of madness booms!

See you now Eusyram? See you now the truth?

The eyes that hear the moaning whale shal twist themselves in ruth.

One clue remains Eusyram to unveil the Crystal Dream,

to bear the path of Asteroth who bore the horrid Breem,

you must battle naked daymares in the dark archival halls

and seduce the one-eyed duchess in the bright ceramic balls

you must travel to the horse-henge when the Pleiades are high

and weave the song of Asteroth to 'ope the Deamons eye!

Within the Deamons iris where the horrid colours twist

is writ the names of Asteroth in winding helix list.

Recite the name Eusyram and Asteroth shall hear

defeat his ghost, then eat some toast, the Crystal Dream is near!

The Dream the Dream, it's hiding place a prophets fevered secret.

If you have read these riddles right, Eusyram, you'll keep it.

And once the Crystal Dream is yours Eusyram the Great,

your destiny's fulfilled my child, not soon, nor far, nor late."