The Stolen Skin of Sun

This is a half-written plan for a fairy-tale-esqe adventure, or maybe a mini-game. I just started scrawling this down freehand in an empty pad, apropos of nothing, and stopped when I got to the middle bit, or the end of the first act.

I had the idea that the PC's could all be women (an idea that seems to re-occur to me with some regularity), they would be the friends and handmaids of the Princess in question and, as in all good child-adventure films, the only people who know what they are doing. But it could also work with the standard band of vagabond adventurers who have strolled into town.

If they were the Princesses friends then;

Fighter = Kitchen Maid

Specialist/Thief = Handmaid, or possibly Young Lady, if high Stealth.

Cleric = Virtuous Lady

Magic User = Bookish or Peculiar Lady

OPEN

The skin of Princess Sun has been stolen!

She was found, still alive, in her bed a few hours ago. At this moment she floats, skinless, in a bath of milk and honey, with new fresh milk and new fresh honey being brought every hour and drizzled all over her horrible body.

The sticky, sweet, blood-stained milk is brought out at the same time.

Only a handful of the toughest old Maids can even look at her to perform this duty, so horrible is the sight. Her mother, the Queen was dragged out screaming and is still in a swoon.

The halls of the castle are full of her low moans.

It is a terrible situation. The Princess herself is barely able to speak but seems to have no idea what happened.

Old King Gloom calls for aid! Someone must find the skin of the Princess and return it to her to be sewn on.

Maybe you?

.......

CLUES

·        A pair of bloodstained golden scissors were found on the Princesses silk sheets.

·        The Princesses pet monkey has also been stolen from its silver cage.

·        Children, churls and alcoholics, whisper that The Master Thief was seen last night, standing in the town square, staring at the tower where the Princess lay.

·        The Witch of the Black Woods (who cannot be named) lives within reach. She never seemed to have any hatred for Princess Sun, but stealing a Maidens skin seems like exactly the kind of thing she would do.

·        In Addition: Three different gentlemen had all recently proposed marriage to the Princess, and been denied. They are;

o   Lord Blue Beard. A huge, handsome, wealthy, multiply-married (they died) local lord.

o   The Grand Vizier. An wealthy and mysterious potentate from far away. He travelled with camels laden with gold and offered a huge dowry.

o   Brave Prince Brawn. A very strong, very big, very confident, very loud, red-faced leader of the Knights of Iron.

.......

FOLLOWING THE CLUES

The Scissors and the Seamstress

One person in the Castle is an expert in scissors - Mistress Quick, the Royal Seamstress.

·        She is in her parlour.

·        Anyone listening can hear her crying.

·        And hear her say "Oh my Love! Oh, my scissors! Oh, my Love"

·        If they knock, they will hear a small 'click' before the door is opened.

Inside;

·        Mistress Quick is an older lady, fine, plump and unmarried, with very fast hands.

·        She carries a big pin-cushion full of golden needles, some fine green gems on rings, and a golden locket at her neck.

·        If they ask about the scissors she starts crying again.

·        Those ARE her scissors.

·        She says they were kept safely in a locked ebony box. No-one should have been able to get them.

At this stage, Miss Cheek, the Maid, bursts in and starts cleaning and knocking things over.

·        She has a red face.

·        The sound of bottles clinking comes from her skirts.

·        She gives the PC's a wink.

·        "Oh Miss Cheek. Must You?"

·        "Oh!"

·        The hand of Mistress Quick goes to her locket. She falls on the bed.

·        "Oh the Tragedy of it, so never know LOVE...."

·        "Young women today only care about pretty dresses and gender equality, where are the true romantics?"

Possibilities;

·        Beat the truth out of Mistress Quick, she's not that tough.

·        Bribe Miss Cheek with booze (she is severely alcoholic).

·        If female, convince Mistress Quick you are a true romantic.

·        Steal or grab the locket.

The Truth;

THE SEAMSTRESS WAS IN LOVE WITH THE MONKEY.

The picture in the locket is of the missing monkey.

"It wasn't his fault!"

"Oh! He would say such wonderful things to me!"

"The Dreams we shared!"

"We were to be married."

"He was an enchanted Prince!"

"No-one would have understood!"

"Yes, he had access to my room."

"I'm sure he is a victim of the Witch of the Black Woods (who must not be named), or.. The Master Thief."

If King Gloom discovers that Mistress Quick has been intimate with a monkey she will be thrown in the cells.

The Monkey in the Silver Cage

·        King Gloom thinks the Monkey was a Birthday gift from Lord Long, his brother, the Uncle of the Princess.

·        Lord Long says he thought the monkey must have been a gift from Duchess Puss, the cat-obsessed Aunt.

·        Duchess Puss says _she_ thought the monkey was a gift from the King (and a poor one too, a kitty cat would have been much nicer).

The Master Thief

How do you know it was.. The Master Thief?

·        He wore a black hat with a wide brim.

·        He had a ragged black cloak.

·        He had long, long legs, with pointed toes.

·        He carried a sack of mysterious things.

·        When he saw me see him in the moonlight, he looked right at me, and gave me a tip of his hat. Then disappeared.

·        And behind him, he left an orange peel.

What did he look like?

·        He wore a mask.

·        But he had a cunning look.

What was his build?

·        He wore a cloak, but his legs were long.

What colour was he?

·        He was neither too dark, nor too light.

·        Not cream, nor wan.

·        And not a foreign fellow, but certainly not a local.

How to Catch The Master Thief.

Anyone can tell you; No-one can catch The Master Thief, he can steal what he wants and go where he likes.

BUT - there are three things he loves more than anything else;

·        Stealing things that are nailed down.

·        Selling things to those who have too many of them already.

·        Oranges - for he leaves orange peels wherever he goes, that is how you can tell he has been near.

IF the PC's

·        Nail down something valuable.

·        Acquire too many of a common object (at least fifty).

·        And possess oranges.

They will encounter The Master Thief.

Encountering The Master Thief

·        A child, woman, nun, gaunt old man, or someone they know well, will approach them in an unexpected way and offer them something for sale, it only costs a shilling.

·        It is in this box.

·        If the PC has a particular object they are after, they can see it in the box.

·        If not, ask (as the Referee) what the character most desires, they see that in the box.

·        If they pay the shilling this person runs away as fast as a shadow, spilling wig and disguise as they go.

o   If the PC catches them, it is only a pig dressed up as a person (you may keep the pig, they will be a loyal friend), or a reflection of The Master Thief in a mirror they run into and break.

·        In the box is a single one of the mundane object they have collected.

The Nailed-Down-Thing will have either disappeared, leaving only the nails, or;

·        They will notice a large number of flies landing on it.

·        Then a dog licking it.

o   It has been replaced with a cake of equivalent size and exquisite design.

o   The cake is delicious.

The oranges, wherever they are and however they are guarded, are all eaten, leaving only peels.

But in the midst of the peels is a napkin marked with ink.

The first person to open the napkin reads this;

"A skin for a skin

All ripe together

In summer weather

Morns that pass by

Fair eves that fly

Come buy, come buy

Buy a skin from Goblin Men

Buy a skin down in the glen

Come buy, come buy"

·        And a map to the Goblin Market, which fades as soon as it is seen.

·        The napkin was written in disappearing ink.

·        Anyone who saw the napkin can now remember the way to the Goblin Market.

Anyone who encountered The Master Thief now realises that all of their personal valuables are gone, their clothes have been replaced with paper equivalents and their shoes are now cheap, worn through, the wrong size, and not their shoes.

The Witch of the Black Woods (Who Cannot Be Named)

·        She lives in a cottage of food in the Black Woods.

·        No-one who goes there has ever returned.

·        Her name is 'Mistress Sertsim' but if anyone says it out-loud, she hears it immediately and curses them straight away. From that day on, if they ever hold two separate objects free in their hands, they will both come alive and fight each other till one of them is smashed to bits.

·        From that day forward you can only pick up one thing at a time.

·        She turns people into pigs.

·        She eats children.

Going To Her House

·        The path is made of cool white stones in the black wood.

·        Crows watch you from the trees.

·        Silver children appear.

·        They are ghosts.

·        They seem terribly afraid.

·        They do not understand they are dead.

·        They are running away from something, they shout "she will catch me!"

The House of the Witch of the Black Woods (Who Cannot be Named)

·        Walls of dripping beef.

·        The roof tiled in Cornish pasties.

·        Windows of pale, polished fat from slices of giant Black Puddings.

·        The gutters are soggy, dripping baguettes.

·        The door is a huge pizza with a pineapple doorknob.

·        It is surrounded by the skulls of children on black poles.

o   (Some still have hair and skin.)

o   They clack when you come near.

Inside;

·        A big black cooking pot.

·        Stuffed moles, voles, rats and cats, with gold buttons for eyes.

·        They are rushing around sewing clothes for a young woman.

·        An old crow croaks at you and tells you to go away;

·        "The Mistress is out!"

·        "Come back later, for dinner."

Where is she?

·        "She has flown to the Goblin Market to buy a new set of clothes."

·        (All the creatures laugh at this.)

If you are cunning, perhaps you can persuade the Crow to tell you the way;

"Walk north till noon.

Then west is best.

In the Evening - you'll hear grieving, follow that.

Then watch the sky for stars.

Follow the seventh star to appear.

Close your eyes.

Sing; 'All ripe together

In summer weather

Morns that pass by

Fair eyes that fly

Come buy, come buy'

And then you are there.

 Lord Blue Beard

·        In the Dutchy of Lord Blue Beard, everyone seems sad.

o   Except the butcher, who is manic-happy, and grins.

o   Slabs of meat are dripping in his window.

·        The pigs are eating something red.

·        The girls are all dressed as boys, with hair cut short.

·        There is old confetti clogging the gutters.

When you reach his old, rambling castle, an ancient Butler opens the door.

·        If you are a young lady, he asks; "Are you here to be married?"

·        Lord Blue Beard left quite suddenly.

·        He is going to fetch a dowry for his bride-to-be - Princess Sun.

·        (He WILL marry Princess Sun.)

·        He went north, in a carriage with silver bells..

The Grand Vizier

The Grand Vizier didn't seem that upset by the refusal of Princess Sun.

·        He left a few days ago.

·        He travels quite slowly, because his camels are laden with gold.

·        And guards wilding huge scimitars walk alongside the camels to guard them.

·        He stays every night at an Inn.

·        (He refuses to sleep outside.)

·        He stayed last at The Golden Thatch, on the north side of town.

The Golden Thatch

·        The innkeeper is very pleased.

·        He has new clothes, new shoes, a fine hat and workmen are adding a gazebo to the Inn.

·        “Some say gazeebos can be dangerous, but I have never seen one harm a man.

·        He has nothing bad to say about the Grand Vizier.

·        "That man is rich enough to buy anything."

·        "But who can buy what cannot be bought? That's what I said."

·        "He went north, I don't know why."

·        "He won't be travelling fast."

·        "I recommended the Ammonite Inn, on the forests edge."

The Ammonite Inn

·        The Inn has a roof of blue-grey slate.

·        The stone of the walls has fossilised ammonites in it.

·        And the sign is that of an ammonite.

·        The innkeeper is terse, she cleans her glasses and says little.

·        "That man stayed here, only two nights ago."

·        "He paid well and asked strange questions."

·        "He wanted to buy that which cannot be bought."

·        "I send him to the only place such questions might be answered - the Black Wood Inn, between the Black Woods and the Swamp of Pain."

·        "I would recommend you do not go."

The Black Wood Inn

·        A creaking low building of black wood.

·        Damp and part flooded.

·        Crayfish scuttle across the puddles and the Gas-Frogs howl outside.

·        The Innkeeper is a giggling little man with pointed teeth, and pointed ears, and pointed eyes.

·        He will not say much, answering only in questions and puns.

·        If you ask him; "How can I buy that which cannot be bought?", he will say;

·        "All ripe together

·        In summer weather

·        Morns that pass by

·        Fair eves that fly

·        Come buy, come buy

·        "Ill tell you  for a kiss, or a riddle that I cannot solve."

·        If you provide either, he will direct you to the Goblin Market

·        "Just step into this black coracle behind the Inn, close your eyes and sleep. When you wake up you will be there."

Brave Prince Brawn

·        Prince Brawn is still practicing his jousting with his Knights outside the town.

·        You can find them by the sound of crashing and of men shouting.

·        The Knights of Iron are all big, strong, loud, red men in bright red armour.

·        Prince Brawn is the biggest and strongest and loudest and reddest of them all.

·        He is not afraid of anything.

·        Prince Brawn will decide, immediately, that he must rescue the skin of the Princess.

·        If the characters are ladies, and are attractive, charming, virtuous or any combination of the three, he will insist on following them around, getting the way, being loud and confident.

·        He will not listen to anything they say.

·        It is a notable aspect of Prince Brawn that every decision he makes is exactly wrong, not part wrong or slightly wrong, but utterly opposite wrong.

·        He has no idea this is the case.

.........

THAT'S ALL FOR PART ONE

Den of Thieves is good (spoilers)

It has a massive split rating on Rotten Tomatoes. If you are part of the intended audience then the 70-something audience rating is much more accurate.

I thought this was a somewhat-inventive film that had a lot more thought, care and attention paid to it than most of the reviewers who watched it realised.

Yes, this is about highly-ritualised hyper-masculine dudes who bleed testosterone when shot sitting in rooms and coming up with complex procedural plans to out-plan the other guys plans. And yes this is essentially porn to me. But if you like tough dudes in rooms and MEN with PLANS, and procedural crimes, then you will probably like this.






SHITLOADS OF SPOILERS FROM THIS POINT ON - SERIOUSLY I RUIN THE WHOLE FILM







"But isn't is just a Wallmart Heat?"

Well yes. But also no.

Its more like a social-realist Heat.

Its more realistic (for a given value of 'realistic') than Heat, slightly. partly because the actors are less super-dramatically charismatic, and partly because the social milieu is more deeply filled in and makes more intuitive and direct sense.

Gnarly Fucked-Up drawn-out, beardy, continually-chewing Gerard Butler (I think he takes something either into or out of his mouth in every scene) as a cop could have walked right out of real life and into the film.  He's a mixture of bullishly unpleasant, occasionally stupid, brave, and nasty-crafty in a manner that feels very true to life.

He feels real and, like everyone in DoT, he carries the implied socioeconomic and cultural background of his pseudo-history with him. When Pablo Schreibers baddy looks up his photo online, he looks kinda lumpy and meat-headed and like a cop, or like a normal person in a bad photo. Al Pachino in that photo would have looked fly as fuck, like everyone in Heat looks fly as fuck, even in surveillance photos. Gerard is painfully out of place in the middle-class life he's built for himself, much more comfortable in is quasi-millitaristically-ritualised team/group, and when hanging out with scumbags.

Heat is set in Micheal Manns 'Thief World' where people just are thieves and are cops. They enter the story that way and leave it that way. This is a mild point in the film; Robert Dinero is meant to be a mysterious placeless lonely dude and this is part of his story, but it feels broadly true for a lot of the main cast.

No-one in DoT feels like that, everyone feels like they come from a very particular socio-economic-racial particular background.

So there are three main groups in the film, the Tough-Guy cops, the American Football Players and the Soccer Players. We only really realise the Soccer Players are a group at the end

The cops from the tough-guy Major Crimes unit all feel like ex-miltary, or the smartest or nastiest guys in their previous departments.

Gerard Butler is definitely the guy who was head of the (American) Football team, or just the guy in the team who beat up the other side, and then became a cop.

The main bad-guy gang are based around ex-soldiers and guys who knew each other from playing American Football together in High School. Pablo Schreiber, the main antagonist, pretty much bleeds green in this.  He feels so military that the moment you see him you want to either salute him, paint him grey or load and fire him, and all this is communicated though manner, bearing and attitude.

50 Cent is actually kinda good in this. His characters kept so close to naturalistic that he can pretty much play him straight as-is.

Schreiber and Cent played football together in school and served together in the millitary, everyone else in their gang did either one or another of those things too.

And they went to a school with a particular black-white mix and with, as Butlers character puts it 'a bunch of fat-assed samoans', so thats why they are always hanging out with a lot of Pacific Islanders when we go to their homes. There are soft race lines in DoT, they get crossed, but only for particular reasons.

We do get the scene where the cops look at a photo of fifty and Pablo in combat gear somewhere in the middle east and say 'they served together' but we don't really need it since we know that already, we can feel it coming off the screen whenever they are around.

And then we have the secret team, based around O'Shea Jackson Jr, who are all non-white, non-military football (soccer) players. People who skirt the edge of the criminal world, but they skirt the edge of the civilian world too, ethnically. Kind of the nicer end of the criminal spectrum, a bit like some people I knew in collage. These are the smart-but-still-shady kids from school that the other two groups would never notice 'cause they weren't alpha enough.




DUDES ACTING TUFF AND ARCH

Some of the bad reviews say that the male performances are overblown and unrealistic.

Not, from my limited experience, the case. Big Hairy Macho dudes in those jobs and social groups do generally act like that.

The parts when people shout quasi-cliches at each other seemed more to me that the director had done their research and was bringing out the actual quasi-cliches that cops and criminals tend to spout when hanging round rather than the ones stolen from movies.

Though I grant that the difference is hard to be precise about, since the real people are also watching the movies about them and using them as behaviour-fuel, and have been, I think, ever since the gangster films of the 20's.

Most of the social performances felt to me only slightly heightened, apart from any scene Gerard Butler is in, which is about half of them, which come under the Butler reality-alteration field.



GERARD BUTLER

Gerard Butler has had extra Gerard Butler added to himself (literally, he gained weight for the role) and the film basically has been spam-packed with Gerard Butler (there is also a Samoa/Spam joke, which I was very pleased to get and which I suspect I might be the only person in Birkenhead to have got) - anyway - HE IS IN THIS FILM A LOT.

Gerard shoulders his way across the screen like a goddamn silverback Gorilla and your attitude to Gerard will probably end up being your attitude to the film.

He's good. A big, burly, nasty charismatic man who quasi-bullies everyone around him and is willing to do some creepy shit in pursuit of some dudes who are generally ok except that they are pretty much fine with gunning down security guards who get a bit handy, and then cops who get upset about the security guards, and then pretty much any of the civilians who get in the way in the big gunfight at the end.

There's a sub-plot about his decaying marriage which sees him totally self-destruct and which seems, right until the end, as if its going to feed into the main plot, like his wife or kid are going to get kidnapped, but nope, that was just Gerard Butler destroying his life.

There's a pretty good scene where he walks into a party where his soon-to-be-ex wife is enjoying a party with some Middle-Class types and just sprawls resentfully all over them. There's no reason for it to be in the film other than that the director couldn't control, or didn't want to control, Gerard Butler. Its a fun scene (for me) and the careful attention to class and social mis-en-scene, combined with a load of macho bullshit, is typical for the film.



PLOT MAKES SENSE

I've seen people talking about how the main plot of the film is labyrinthine and doesn't make sense.

It's not that labyrinthine compared to standard hollywood fare. And it does make sense.

This is the plot;

O'Shea Jackson Jr is a quiet, clever ex-con socially connected to a bunch of people who work in the Big Main Reserve Bank. Over a long period of time he builds up a complex picture of how it works and the basic details of a complex heist.

Pablo Schreiber is a scary, competent career bank-robber who has pulled off some difficult jobs, Jackson approaches him with the idea for the heist, but Schreiber says he will be in charge.

Jackson gets himself attached to Schreibers group as an apparent low-status member. Most of the gang don't know he is the SECRET MASTERMIND.

The Schreiber gang commit some unusual crimes to get material, information and resources to gain access to the Big Central Bank. One of these goes to shit and a gunfight breaks out.

They become cop killers. This is where the film starts.

Gerard Butlers Major Crimes unit starts hunting Schreibers gang. They see Jackson is some nerd attached to the group, grab him, and try to turn him. It looks like they succeed.

Schreibers group work out something is up and it looks like they are going to kill Jackson, but they don't, instead it looks like they will try to use him to feed info to the cops. This looks dumb and Hollywood at the time, but of course Schreiber won't kill Jackson, he knows he can trust him because its his fucking heist.

So at this point, to the audience, it looks like the film is these two super-tough guys, Schreiber and Butler, doing a GAME OF WITS, with poor soft Jackson caught in the middle, being used by both sides.

Schreibers gang run a robbery of a small bank and feed Butler info to make sure he's there. It turns into a hostage situation. It's a weird turn to the film.

But that robbery is to grab money and to distract Butler.

They use the money from the bank robbery as part of an elaborate and deep cover to gain access to the Big Main Bank Reserve. The construction of this cover was the main aim of everything they did up to this point. They walk in like money delivery guys, with a bank truck, the right details, and crucially, a big fucking box of money taken from their previous robberies. The money was part of their passport to get into the big uncrackable bank.

Once inside Jackson Jr, who is hidden in the money, uses a fake brownout as cover to divert a huge amount of old money that's already had its serial numbers deleted from the system, so it doesn't go to the shredder, instead he shoves it down the trash so it goes in the trash truck in trash bags.

The gang then exits the Big Central Bank, Jackson Jr using a cover as a delivery guy which he spent ages building up. The guys at the front desk don't have his name coming in, but since literally nothing is on record as happening, and they've seen him a million times before, they let him go.

Jackson Jr is already plotting to screw over Shreiber, two dump trucks cross in the street and swap routes.

Pablo Shreiber and Fifty Cent hijack the dump truck and drive it to a safe place. They grab the bags they expect to see from the back and run for it.

Meanwhile Jackson Jr has been picked up by Gerard Butler who beats him up and chases after Shreiber. Jacksons friend calls Schrieber to ask what to do and Shreiber cuts him off, he and fifty cent will take the money for themselves.

Butler finds Shreiber in a big traffic jam, they have a big gunfight, Butler chases down Shreiber and kills him.

When they find the money bags, there's no money in them and Jackson Jr escaped from their car while they were all dicking about fighting the main guy.

Some time later Butler visits Jackson Jrs old work and sees a photo of him in a football team with almost all of the low-level individuals who did cryptic shit during the heist, the guys in the money counting room, the dump truck drivers, the guy who did IT for Schreibers team and who Shreiber fucked over.

All the people who did hollywood-convenient plot shit during the film were actually part of a conspiracy to do that stuff, a conspiracy that actually makes sense since, in order to be part of it, none of them had to do anything illegal, or even suspicious, just order chinese from a certain place for lunch, drive a dump truck a certain way, walk down a corridor a particular way.

So a film that looked like it was about two big tough guys fighting each other was actually about a nerd outmaneuving two big tough guys from a position of apparent weakness.

This is one of the few films I've seen where the more I think about it, the more clearly things are explained and the fewer plot holes there are.

In fact I'm not sure there are any actual plot holes in Den of Thieves, which is rare. If anyone found any, let me know.

it is commendable to coyne a lye - FQ Book 6 Canto 3

Starts up with tiresome logistical titting around, dumps the hero by half way, goes on with some random, then, surprisingly, turns out to be pretty damn good in the second half with the addition of that old Faerie Queene dramiturgial steroid; A Complete Asshole.

Opener is some rennaisance Genetic Essentialism;

"True it is, that whilome that good Poet sayd,
The gentle minde by gentle deeds is knowne.
For a man by nothing is so well bewrayd,
As by his manners, in which plaine is showne
Of what degree and what race he is growne.
For seldome seene, a trotting Stalion get
An ambling colt, that is his proper owne:
So seldome seene, that one in basenesse set
Doth noble courage shew, with curteous manners met.

But evermore contrary hath bene tryde,
That gentle bloud will gentle manners breed:"

Most of the decent verse and good drama is in the second half so I will skip the first with a baseline description.

Calidore is dragging the wounded knight from Canto 2 back to his castle with his Lady in tow. The guy there is the knights dad, a super-great guy called Aldus. The knight is Aladine. Aldus is upset to see his son all messed up but makes the best of things and cheers his guests. Courtesy. 

This lady, Priscilla, is the daughter of a local lord who wanted to marry her off, but she was more into Aladine, who is poor(er, but still NOT A FILTHY COMMONER). They had just met up in that glade (and apparently got busy) when the baddy knight showed up. Now Aladine is a mess and she can't go home. She is now thinking about how screwed she is and;

"Weherof she now bethinking, gan t'advize,
How great a hazard she at earst had made
Of her good fame, and further gan devize,
How she the blame might salve with coloured disguize."

Calidore cheers her up and goes to bed himself. Priscilla stays up all night watching Aladine;

"And with her tears his wounds did wash and steepe.
So well she washt them, and so well she wacht him,
That of the deadly swound, in which full deepe
He drenched was, she at the length dispacht him,
And drove away the stound, which mortally attacht him."

They are saline I suppose.

Aladine wakes up the next day and feels really bad about the situation he has gotten Priscilla into.

"So both conspiring, gan to intimate
Each others griefe with zele affectionate,"

They ask Calidore for help and he agrees. He leaves with Priscilla and;

"So as they past together on their way,
He can devize this counter-cast of slight,
To give faire colour to that Ladies cause in sight."

So he goes back to the downed body of the guy that Tristram killed, cuts his head off and takes it to Priscillas father claiming that he saw this guy letching on her, killed him, nothing to worry about. Another piece of surprising murderhobo douchebaggery from a paragon character. remember when Arthur pretended to be dead?

So the Knight of Courtesy has just lied his ass off. And yes, apparently this has caused quite a bit of trouble in the poem-analysis community over the years. From the notes;

"Judson (Var., p. 341) cites Guazzo: 'I denie not but that it is commendable to coyne a lye at some time, and in some place, so that it tende to some honest ende'"

Lets hope Redcrosse, Una, and especially Talus don't find out.

Anyway, Calidore is promptly off into a new episodic encounter;


..............................

He finds a knight, Calepine (another mirror/shadow character?), getting amorous with a lady, Serena. In a perfect expression of the virtue of Courtesy, he does not instantly attack and kill them, but instead talks to them.

This is going pretty well until, while Calidore and Calepine are chatting about chivalry, a scene familar to horror movie fans takes place;

"The faire Serena (so his Lady hight)
Allur'd with myldnesse of the gentle wether,
And pleasaunce of the place, the which was dight
With divers flowres distinct with rare delight;
Wandred about the fields, as liking led
Her wavering lust after her wandring sight,
To make a garland to adorne her hed,
WITHOUT SUSPECT OF ILL OR DAUNGERS DRED."

My caps. Sorry. The Blatant Beast eats her.

But doesn't chew or swallow, just runs off with her in its mouth.

Our boys chase after it, Calidore is "more light of foote and swift in chace," so catches up and charges the Beast who spits out Serena and dashes away. Calidore doesn't help Serena,

(Ok, this thing with people not trying to stop the bleeding. People in the past knew bleeding was bad surely? Did they have a fatalistic attitude to it? Is the closeness of hospitals and the integration of medical care and aspect of the modern world that makes stopping the bleeding a much more useful thing to do, and so we are obsessed with it but in the past it might not have made as much of a difference? Is it the chance of infection? Are they just fucking stupid back then about bleeding and how bad it is? Or is it just a literary affectation for this story?)

Calidore knows Serenas knight is coming so her hares off after the beast. We apparently will not see him again till Canto 9, half the Book away, so wave goodbye to that dude we hardly knew anyway.


...........................

The rest of Canto Three is based around a completely different knight also NOT STOPPING THE BLEEDING.

"And now by this Sir Calepine (so hight)
Came to the place, where he his Lady found
In dolorous dismay and deadly plight,
All in gore bloud there tumbled on the ground,
Having both sides through grypt with griesly wound.
His weapons soone from him he threw away,
And stouping downe to her in drery swound,
Uprear'd her from the ground, whereon she lay,
And in his tender armes her forced up to stay."

His 'busie paines' do manage to return her 'faint sprite' to the 'mansion of mortality', then he places her on his horse and 'soft footing beside' starts looking for somewhere he can take her to be healed.

But. Not. Before!;

"Now when as Phoebus with his fiery waine
Unto his Inne began to draw apace;"

HES BACK


Calepine sees a 'faire and stately place' in the distance and makes for it, he comes upon a river;

"But comming to the rivers side, he found
That hardly passable on foote it was:"

Luckily he sees an armed knight with a Lady 'lincked by his side' preparing 'through the foord to ride'. Calepine asks for help from the knight and gets an unexpected response;

"Perdy thou peasant Knight, mightst rightly reed
Me then to be full base and evill borne,
If I would beare behinde a burden of suchn scorne.

But as thou hast thy steed forlorne with shame,
So fare on foote till thou another gayne,
And let the Lady likewise doe the same,
Or bear her on thy backe with pleasing payne,
And prove thy manhood on the billowes vayne."

Because this is Turpine (I think, 'base') and he is a magnificent asshole.

The Lady is less of a scumbag and offers her Palfrey but Calepine is too 'inly wroth'and goes for ultra-drama;

"And strongly wading through the eaves unused,
With speare in th'one heand stayd him selfe upright,
With th'other staide his Lady up with steddy might.

And all the while, that same discourteous Knight,
Stood on the further banke beholding him,
At whose calamity, for more despight
He laught, and mockt to see him like to swim."

Calepine makes it across, alive, and having done so his 'heart with vengeaunce inwardly did swell', he shouts some awesome smack talk back across the river;

"Unknightly Knight, the blemish of that name,
And blot of all that armes uppon them take,
Which is the badge of honour and of fame,
Loe I defie thee, and here challenge make,
That thou for ever doe those armes forsake;
And be for ever held a recreant Knight.
Unlesse thou dare for thy deare Ladies sake,
And for thine owne defence on foote alight,
To justifie thy fault gainst me in equal fight."

Turpine is still a magnificent bastard, or indeed, dastard;

"The dastard, that did heare him selfe defyde,
Seem'd not to weigh his threatfull words at all,
But laught them out, as if his greater pryde,
Did scorne the challenge of so base a thrall:
Or had no courage, or else had no gall.
...
But he nought weighing what he sayd or did,
Turned his steed about another way,
And with his Lady to the Castle rid"

There is nothing Calepine can do but go on, Phoebus is getting to his Inne and darkness is coming.

He makes it to the castle and with 'prayers meeke, And myld entreaty lodging did for her beseeke.'

NOPE

This is not Gawains 'pure porter' but instead;

".. the rude Porter that no manners had,
Did shut the gate against him in his face,
..
... there was no place
Of lodging fit for any errant Knight,
Unlesse that with his Lord he formerly did fight."


Calidore replies;

"Full loth am I (quoth he) as now at earst,
When day is spent, and rest us needeth most,
And that this Lady, both whose sides are pearst
With wounds, is ready to forgo the ghost:
Ne would I gladly combate with mine host,
That should to me such curtesie afford,
Unlesse that I were thereunto enforst."

But still he says to send a message to the lord that he 'house-rome craves' and would certainly fight him but could they possibly put that off till tomorrow since Phoebus has gone to his Inne?

The Lord; (I can't tell from the context if this is Turpine or not)

"Who sitting with his Lady then at bord,
Not onely did not his demand approve,
But both himselfe revi'd and eke his love;
Albe his Lady, that Blandina hight,
Him of ungentle usage did reprove
..
Yet would he not perswaded be for ought,
Ne from his currish will awhit reclame.
Which answer when the groome returning brought
To Calepine, his heart did inly flame
With wrathfull fury for so foule a shame,
That he could not thereof avenged bee:
But most for pitty of his dearest Dame,
Whom now in deadly daunger he did see;
Yet had no meanes to comfort, nor procure her glee.
....
So downe he tooke his Lady in distresse,
And layd her underneath a bush to sleepe,
Cover'd with cold, and wrapt in wretchednesse,
Whiles he him selfe all night did nought but weepe,
And wary watch about her for her safegard keepe."

The next day they limp on on their sorry journey to find someone who isn't a complete dick;

"He goth on foote all armed by her side,
Upstaying still her selfe upon her steede,
Being unable else alone to ride;
So sore her sides, so much her wounds did bleede:"

C'mon people you have to be feeling this.

More bad news, a Knight is coming at them fast 'who well he wist to be some enemy'. Even worse, its Turpine, back again!

"He bad him stand, t'abide the bitter stoure
Of his sore vengeance, or to make avoure
Of the lewd words and deedes, which he had done:"

Remember that time I watched you nearly die in that river, and laughed, and you got upset? Well you better apologise for that boy.

"With that ran at him, as he would devoure
His life attonce; who nought could do, but shun
The perill of his pride, or else be overrun."

Turpine follows him on horseback;

"And like a wilde goate round about did chace,"

Then things get even stranger;

"But his best succour and refuge was still
Behinde his Ladies backe, who to him cryde,
And called oft with prayers loud and shrill,
As ever he to Lady was affyde,
To spare her Knight, and rest with reason pacifyde."

Calepine hiding behind his damizell is also something that gets attention in the notes. Presumably there's some chivalric reason why this is ok? oR some allegorical reason why this means something?

Turpine eventually chases him down and strikes him through the shoulder;

"He saw his life powrd forth dispiteously:
The which was certes in great jeopardy,
Had not a wondrous chaunce his reskeu wrought,
And saved from his cruell villany.
Such chaunces oft exceed all humaine thought:
That in another Canto shall to end be brought."

Edmund you goddam cheese merchant.

It is rather ripe and wonderful cheese though.

Book Six Canto Three

Podecaste

Rhymes Older than Gods

This is all from the Oxford DIctionary of Nursery Rhymes;

[Line breaks added by my and Umlauts and other things I can't easily repoduce removed in transcription as adding them back in was a bitch.]

Image by Darrell Raw
https://500px.com/photo/49365130/reaching-by-darrell-raw

LADYBIRD

"Ladybird, ladybird,
Fly away home,
Your house is on fire
And your children all gone;

All except one
An that's little Ann
And she has crept under
The warming pan."

Child's warning to the ladybird. Traditionally the insect is set on a finger before being addressed. This is what the present writers used to do, and what a woodcut of the reign of George II depicts. When the warning has been recited (and the ladybird blown upon once), it nearly always happens that the seemingly earthbound little beetle produces wings and flies away.

The names by which it is popularly known in this and other countries show that it has always had sacred associations: 'Lady-bird' (from Our Lady's bird), 'Marygold', 'Gods Little Cow', 'Bishop that burneth'; the German 'Marienkafer' and 'Himmelskuchlichen'; the Swedis 'Marias Nyckelpiga', the Russian 'Bozhia korovka', the French 'Bete a bon Dieu', the Spanish 'Vaquilla de Dios', and the Hindu 'Indragopa.'

The rhyme is undoubtedly a relic of something once posessed of an awful significance. It is closely matched by incantaations known in France, Germany, Switzerland, Denmark, and Sweden, sometimes even to the detail of the name Ann:

Goldchaber, flug uf, uf dine hoche Tanne,
Zue diner Muetter Anne.
Si git dir Chas und Brod,
's isch besser as der bitter Tod.

Another German version is:

Himmelskuchlichen, fleig aus!
Dein Haus brennt,
Deine Kinder weinen alle miteinander.

And in France, where the words are also addressed to the cockchafer:

Vole au firmament bleu,
Ton nid est en feu,
Les Turcs avec leur epee
Vont te tuer ta couvee.
Hanneton, vole, vole,
Hanneton, vole.

Varieties of the Coccinella are found in most parts of the world, and are almost everywhere regarded as friendly. To kill one is unlucky. This would seem to rule out the hypothesis that a witch or evil spirit is represented and that the rhyme is a form of exorcism. (A much-practised method of ridding oneself of witches was to tell them that their dwelling was on fire.)

A theory in Germany is that the rhyme originated as a charm to speed the sun across the dangers of sunset, the house on fire symbolizing the red evening sky. In the Rosicrucians the beetle is compared with the Egyptian Scarab and the rhyme thought to be a remnant of beliefs associated with Isis. It has also been pronounced to be a relic of Freya worship. In England country children also employ the insect for divination."

SNAIL

"Snail, snail,
Come out of your hole,
Or else I'll beat you
As black as a coal.

Snai, snail,
Put out your horns,
I'll give you bread
And barley corns.

This chant is comparable to 'Ladybird, ladybird, fly away home' (q.v.) in its inexplicableness and probable antiquity. The rhyme was said, or sung, or sometimes the snail was held at arms length and swung round. Douce says (c. 1805), 'It was probably the custom, on repeating those lines, to hold the snail to a candle, in order to make it quit the shell. In Normandy it was the practice at Christmas for boys to run round fruit-trees, with lighted torches, singing these lines:

Taupes et mulots,
Sortez de vos clos,
Sinon vous bruerai et la barbe et les os.'

This conjuration of field-mice and moles was still eployed in France in the present century, the summons sometimes being lengthier:

Taupe et mulot,
Sor de mon clos,
Ou je casse les os;
Barbassione! Si tu viens dans mon clos,
Je te brule le barbe jusqu'aux os.

On the first Sunday in Lent (la Fete des Brandons ou des Bures) the peasant walked through the fields and orchards with lighted torches of twisted straw, accompanying their threats with discordant tin horns and cat-calls, in order to be rid of the pests. A similar motive may have provoked the threat to the snail.

Chambers (1842) remarks 'In England, the snail scoops out hollows, little rotund chambers, in limestone, for its residence. This habit of the animal is so important in its effects, as to have attracted the attention of geologists, one of the most distinguished of whom (Dr. Buckland) alluded to it at the meeting of the British Association at Plymouth in 1841. The ... rhyme is a boy's invocation to the snail to come out of such holes.' Chambers adds that in Scotland good weather is prognosticated by the creature appearing to obey the injunction,

Snailie, snaile, shoot out your horn,
And tell us if it will be a bonny day the morn.

Whatever is the significance of the snail to engender such invocations, it must lie deep in the history of the world. The diversity of languages in which the rhyme is found is almost unparalleled. JOH quotes equivalents from Denmark and Germany; a writer in _Notes & Queries_ (1851) from Naples and Silesia. Countess Evelyn Martinengo-Cesaresco (1886) adds verses from France, Tuscany, Russia, Roumania, and China. The call is also known in Spain.

The English rhyme is found in print from 1744 onwards, and may have been referred to by Shakespeare. In The Merry Wives of Windsor (IV.ii) Mistress Page tells how Mr. Ford, considering himself a cuckold, 'buffets himself on the forehead crying, "Peer out, peer out", meaning, appear horns. A version of the rhyme still known is,

Peer out, peer out, peer out of your hole,
Or else I'll beat you as black as a coal."


There is more information in the notes for both entries but there is a lot of it and its dense.

Points of curiosity.

• Both Living Things. Not pure objects or integrated natural events like rain or whatever.
• Both Haptic Rituals. Both are small enough to hold in, or on the hand. And on the hand of a child. And they are common and slow enough that a child can get hold of them easily.
• Both Transform. The Ladybird looks like a slow, plodding, earth-bound, but colourful thing, then turns into this flying dot with blurs for wings and disappears out of vision into the air. The snail is hard and smooth, regular, fluidly geometrical, like a perfect stone. But inside is this cthonic *thing* strange, alien, mysterious and slimy.
• Air and Earth. One from deep in the earth, but appears on the ground. Could be a stone but isn't. It's ritual involves threats and bribery to get what you want. The other beautiful, appears on earth but transforms into air, its ritual is sad but noble. This is a "good" avatar of something.

Scrap and Patrick AMA

Since Vote got game of the month over on Reddit, they asked us to do an AMA.

So, Scrap Princess and I will be on there https://www.reddit.com/r/rpg/ TODAY.

8pm UTC (British Time)

3pm Eastern Standard Time

9am Wellington time

So if you want to ask the creators of;

 Veins of the Earth;

Fire on the Velvet Horizon

And Deep Carbon Observatory

any questions*, then be there in roughly twelve hours.

Reddit say they will leave it pinned at the top while VoTE is the Game of the Month so you should have some time if you can't make it initially.

Assuming anyone turns up then I can probably run till about 11pm to start with, so about three hours.


*Unless its trolling, internet drama or it gets very political.

Just Stop The Bleeding Calidore - FQ Book 6 Canto 2

Another basic but likeable Canto. We open with some not-displeasing remarks on courtesy;


"What vertue is so fitting for a knight,
Or for a Ladie, whom a knight should love,
As Curtesie, to beare themselves aright
To all of each degree, as doth behove?
For whether they be placed high above,
Or low beneath, yet ought they well to know
Their good, that none them rightly may repove
Of rudenesse, for not yeelding what they owe:
Great skill it is such duties timely to bestow.

Thereto great helpe dame Nature selfe doth lend:
For some so goodly gratious are by kind,
That every action doth them much commend,
And in the eyes of men great liking find;
Which others, that have greater skill in mind,
Though they enforce themselves, cannot attaine.
For everie thing, to which one is inclin'd,
Doth best become, and greatest grace doth gaine:
Yet praise likewise deserve good thewes, enforst with paine.

That well in courteous Calidore appeares,
Whose every act and deed, that he did say,
Was like enchantment, that through both the eyes,
And both the eares did steale the hart away."


Calidore bumps into a standard encounter from the Chivalric Encounter Generator; a young yet super hawt squire on foot fighting an armed and armoured knight on a horse and a damizell 'standing alone on foot, in foule array'.

By the time he gets the the youth has killed the knight and all Calidore can do is chivalric detective work.

This kid is dressed in another cosplay-appropriate costume;

"All in a woodmans jacket he was clad
Of Lincolne greene, belayd with silver lace;
And on his head an hood with aglets sprad.
And by his side his hunters horne he hanging had.

Buskins he wore of costliest cordwayne,
Pinkt upon gold, and paled part per part,
As then the guize was for each gentle swayne;"

The good-looking squire says he was out here being generally noble in a woodsmans fashion when he saw the knight riding along with the lady on foot;

"When she so lagged, as she needs mote so,
He with his speare, that was to him great blame,
Would thumpe her forward, and inforce to goe,
Weeping to him in vaine, and making piteous woe."

This squire then gives the Knight some shit about his unchivalric behaviour, the knight hits him and the kid takes him out with a 'dart' which seems to be a light javelin of some kind, putting it right through his sternum in one cast.

"Much did Sir Calidore admyre his speach
Tempred so well, but more admyr'd the stroke
That through the mayles had made so strong a breach"

Courtesy is nice, but being able to through a pointy stick right through a dude is nicer.

Calidore checks with the Lady if this is accurate and she says it is, he then says that all of this is fine with him since;

"What he spake, for you he spake it, Dame,
And what he did, he did him selfe to save:"

Plus any other witness is dead. Calidore asks the Lady how she came to be with this knight. She says they were out riding together when they came upon;

"Within a wood, whereas a Ladie gent
Sate with a knight in joyous jolliment,
Of their franke loves, free from all gealous spyes:
Faire was the ladie sure, that mote content
An hart, not carried with too curious eyes,
And unto him did shew all lovely courtesyes."

Which is exactly what it sounds like. When the bad-guy knight see this;

"He inly gan her lover to envy,
And wish, that he part of his spoyle might share
...
He with strong hand down from his steed me throw'th,
And with presumpteous powre against that knight streight go'th."

Just kicks his girlfriend right off the horse and goes to beat a dude up, some real old-school hardcore classic bad-guy action. Its been a while.

The other knight is 'unarmed' because they were shagging in the forest, and asks a moment to grab his armour and/or weapons, but our nameless baddy just rides him down. The lady runs for it into the undergrowth;

"Into the covert did her selfe withdraw,
And closely hid her selfe within the grove."

...

"He woxe halfe made, and in that rage gan rove
And range through all the wood, where so he wist
She hidden was, and sought her so long, as him list.

But when as her he by no meanes could find,
After long search and chauff, he turned backe
Unto the place, where me he left behind:
There gan he me to curse and ban, for lacke
Of that faire bootie, and with bitter wracke
To wreake on me the guilt of his owne wrong.
Of all which I yet glad to beare the packe,
Strove to appease him, and perswaded long:
But still his passion grew more violent and strong."

Which is a somewhat operatic, but pretty psychologically accurate depiction of an abusive relationship.

I knind of wish we knew this stuff before the Squire killed the guy, it would have added a lot of tension and release to the Canto, but maybe that's the point of this Canto? We get the end-scene first, then Colombo our way backwards finding out more about the main villain?

So the baddy rides off jabbing the poor girl with the spear butt until he runs into our Tristram.

That's right Chivalric Expanded Universe fans, its an origin story. This woodsman is the Tristram of Cornwall as seen in Thomas Mallorys Morte and a shitload of other places.

Spenser tells us quite a bit more about his noble looks;

"Then turning backe unto that gentle boy,
Which has himselfe so stoutly well aquit;
Seeing his face so lovely sterne and coy,
And hearing th'answers of his pregnant wit,
He praysd it much, and much admired it;"

Of course if you look and act like that in the Faerie Queene you are either Archimago, a sex daemon summoned by Archimago, Arthur or a missing child of a King.

And indeed Tristram is the child of the King of Cornwall. Dead dad. Evil Uncle. Sent to Faerie when young. Living in the forest. You've seen the Lion King.

Lion King >based on> Shakespere >based on> The Faerie Queene >based on> Probably Some Celtic Thing or just ripping off Chetrain De Troyes who probably based it on Some Celtic Thing.

Heres a pleasing fragment;

"Ne is there hauke, which mantleth her on pearch,
Whether high towring, or accoasting low,
But I the measure of her flight doe search,
And all her pray, and all her diet know.
Such be our joyes, which in these forrests grow:"

Just like in 'The Peregrine'.


Calidore just thinks this kid is the best, hottest, most lethal kid ever and immediately knights him.

"Full glad and joyous then young Tristram grew,
Like as a flowre, whose silken leaves small,
Long shut up in the bud from heavens vew,
At length breakes forth, and brode displayes his smyling hew."

But says he can't accompany him on his quest as the Faerie Queene said he had to do it alone (interesting, unlike most other knights who usually get a helper, maiden, friend or robot to assist).

So Tristram goes off with the Lady he rescued. She needn't worry about his masculine attentions, he only has eyes on one thing;

"But Tristram then despoyling that dead knight
Of all those goodly implements of prayse,
Long fed his greedie eyes with the faire sight
Of the bright metall, shyning like Sunne rayes;
Handling and turning them a thousand wayes."

Calidore goes off on his own quest and runs into the sex/murder situation the un-named Biff Tannen Knight left behind;

"There he that knight found lying on the flore,
With many wounds full perilous and wyde,
That all his garments, and the grasse in vermeill dyde."

With the Lady sitting around vaguely weeping.

Its a standard buisness with the only really interesting part being exacltly how long they stand around talking chivalric with this guy bleedig out before they try to stop the blood-loss.

Wait, I'll count.

He finds them in verse 41.

Verse 48;

"So off he did his shield, and downeward layd,
Upon the ground, like to an hollow beare;
And powring balme, which he had long purvayd,
Into his wounds, him up thereon did reare,"

Seven verses.

And off they go to a castle for the next Canto

Book Six Canto Two

POdcast