Tuesday, 5 June 2018

The Wodlands 6 - The Large Goblin Collider

1. The Plains of Anaesthetic Fire.
2. The Antigoblin Empire
3. The Whetstone Ridge
4. The Painted Plane
5. The Vermillion Sea

In the yellow plain between the Umber Woods and the Plain of Anaesthetic Fire, and on the path that links the Wodlands to the Vermillion Sea, within sight of palette-coloured banks the Pigment River, is the Cube of the Large Goblin Collider.

The Collider itself is a huge subterranean loop, buried beneath the waving yellow grass. At intermittent periods, the distant vibrations of the supersonic rail, the screams of the rocket pods, the cackling laughter of the High Velocity Goblins and the tuning-fork-bomb-blast air-buzzing implosion of Goblins colliding at high speed directly beneath the Cube, which then incandesces with bright white Pure Goblin Energy, can be heard and felt thrumming through the earth.

All Goblins possess Goblin Genius and to investigate, and exploit the nature of this genius, they built the Collider and the Cube where they smash up Goblins at supersonic speed.
The Cube itself is a library, a laboratory, a dada-ist religious site and a nerve centre for the League of United Goblins, the para-reality Goblin Government and overall organising force.

The answer to any Goblin Problem can be found within.

Anyone wishing to effect or alter the Grand Goblin Strategy across All Worlds, must come here, anyone wishing to attack, exploit, evade or corrupt goblins must also come here. All Goblins everywhere are expected to make a pilgrimage to the Cube at least once in their lives, to experiment, or be experimented upon.


Encounters on the plain involve wandering Goblin Philosophers on their way to the Cube, Goblin subjects, hoping to be experimented on and Goblins with strange mutations and weird powers who have been crapped out by the Cube, which acts like a fucked-up factory for ridiculously random X-Men.

"Roving Dimensional Holes At All Times" warn the faded falling signs. These holes, perhaps created by the Large Goblin Collider, by experiments inside the Cube or just by extra-dimensional Goblins trying to bend space to get here, are a continual threat. They roll or skate wildly across the plain being chased by Goblin scientists with Hole Hooks who bring them back to experiment on, either by shoving Goblins inside them, or by shoving them inside Goblins.


The Cube is a vast building, poised on its corner. It is white, tiled in cracked glass and ceramic with an off-kilter modernist style. It is lit from within by bright flashes of Goblin Energy.

The area around the Cube is patrolled byGoblin Guards, (new versions and types are spewed out by the Cube every day), and huge near-feral watchtower golems. Surrounding this is the security fence and beyond that are lines to enter and the huge crowd of Goblin pilgrims.

The only legal way for any non-Goblin to enter the Large Goblin Collider is to sneak in, goblin-style. However, if you do succeed in sneaking inside then it will be assumed  that you are meant to be there.

The crowd breaks into two lines, one for Goblin Philosophers, the other for Experimental Goblins. Goblin Philosophers must be able to present a work of  goblin science or advanced goblin thinking that proves their right to enter. Experimental Goblins need only sign a waiver. As soon as Goblins pass the main gate, the two lines merge and mix as if they forgot that they were different.


The fence is always a random height and made from random materials in each section. It is also an irregular shape if seen from above.

Some parts are like long slender fingers sticking up as if there were huge gracile goblin hands just beneath the ground. Some are made of crumbling concrete sprayed with Goblin graffiti, some parts are collapsing chain link, others are fine green-hued Victorian fretwork with fine cast iron Goblin faces, some thick deadly Goblin hedge, some electrical wire. Some parts are marked with flayed Goblin faces that wink, some are hung with bells or tied up Autistic Goblins that go REEEEEEE if disturbed.

Between the fence and the cube are the huge predatory watchtowers and the varied guards.

The Watchtowers are constructions of black splintery wood. They lumber about on wooden spider legs. At their tops are Goblin lookouts and spotlights whose bulbs are incandescent Goblins fully charged with P.I.G.G.Y - PURE INCANDESCENT GOBLIN GALVANISING YIELD.

The Watchtowers sometimes get confused and attack each other like big animals in the night. The winner will cannibalise parts and get taller. Too tall - eventually the tallest falls over and shatters into smaller watchtowers, or is consumed by the herd.

The guards are varied but may consist of;

- Goblins riding baskets using lighter-than-air hydrocephalic goblins as huge balloons, their bulging eyes turn.
- Goblin Mecha, large copper steam-bots that go AWOOGA and often explode.
- Necro-goblins meditating on huge floating skulls and firing death-energy from their occipital lobes.
- Thieving counter insurgency stealth goblins like Aye-Ayes with long fingers and large eyes.
- Goblins driving a bound Antigoblin as a suicide bomb.
- Goblins hang-gliding on big crows and dropping from above.
- Goblins in spitting biplanes powered by refined P.I.G.G.Y.
- Attack-Goblin cavalry on Penny Farthings with scythes on the wheel hubs - big hussar hats, fur capes and swinging sabres



Inside there is a maze of linked and jury-rigged monorails ridden by Goblins in primary colour jumpsuits (crashes are common), and a network of glass tubes. There are Goblins moving in the goblin tubing, the scurrying never stops.

There are paper maps pinned to various places. All are inaccurate, have been moved, are in faded crayon or are not actually of the Goblin Cube. There are also timetables, signposts, directional floor-lines and information desks for which the same is true.

The rooms and layout of the Cube are Borgesian but retarded. Rooms of random size, shape and contents, with random entries and exits. Here Goblins are experimenting and experimented upon. This might include;

- Glass-walled Hannibal Lecter cells full of normal reasonable rational goblins undergoing Psychotherapy.
- Captain America-style transformational radiation machines.
- Goblins putting on a Harold Pinter play but they have disintegration rays and disintegrate each other at random before freezing into an expressionist tableaux.
- Goblins wearing human papier-mache heads in an otherwise normal laboratory.
- Goblins miniaturised and injected into things, then further miniaturised and set to ride beams of green light.
- Goblins with jet stream test area strapping goblins in and testing goblin dynamics.
- Dangerous Goblin surgery taking place. Drugged ocelots being implanted into grateful patient, thumbs up at the end
- Dogs playing an octopus at cards, one Goblin furiously paints the scene, others measure the artists brainwave output with torrents of paper, but the tongues of paper infiltrate the scene, causing the artist to paint them and setting off a cascade response.
- Goblins gathered round a barely controlled pocket universe which rolls around like a big lead ball sucking goblins into it. They push it with carbon rods like curlers.
- Goblin Cybernetic Snail jousts
- Goblins fed into consuming extradimensional spiral like charity coins.



It is here that the meta-strategy for all Goblin Conflicts across all realities is decided. Anyone who can infiltrate this room could conceivably acquire information invaluable to anyone engaged in warfare against Goblins anywhere. They could also possibly alter Goblin strategy, though the effects of this are unpredictable.

A full Ham Scan is required before entry. Visitors must place their buttocks against a glass plate and a green scanning line will check their hams. If their hams are not cleared for entry then special forces Awooga Goblins will emerge in small cars.

There is always fighting in the War Room. The place is divided into different factions based on preferred meta-strategy, tie colour and food sauce preference. Goblins in suits and bejazzled military uniforms battle and besiege each other with sporks, hot coffee and office furniture. The Big Green Screen shows the Universal Goblin disposition and current danger level (at the moment, set to Gob Con Four, the worst being Gob Con One).


The primary Goblin currency, the Trick, is minted in the Cube in greenish gold. Not only do they mint the coins, they also set the value of the Trick and decide large scale Goblin economics.

1 Jab = 1 Poke (the currencies are pegged to each other).
88 Jabs = 1 Trick.
97 Tricks = 1 Crime.
56 Crimes = 1 Jab.

The mint is often the target of robbery or financial manipulation, but is defended by a giant invisible hand which sometimes just smashes stuff randomly and by bewigged Goblin Financial Philosophers who gargle coffee and argue constantly about the value of the Trick.

The value itself is set by a pig attached to a complex series of levers, its wanderings have  huge effects on the Goblin Economy across the multiverse. If the value of the Trick should fall then Goblins will have to perform many more Tricks to avoid falling into the legal classes. Should the value of the Trick rise, then a Trick Bubble may take place, with Goblins massively over-investing in highly complex and unstable tricks that never pay off.


Here, deadly arms are created to use against the next Apocalypse Peach if/when it comes, and also just for fun. These include;

- Bionic Wasps; These go horribly wrong always.
- The Supermurder Cannon; Deadly, but too large to move, also now sentient and paranoid.
- Postmodernism Bomb; Too terrible for even Goblins to contemplate.
- Autism Ray; May have no effect on chaos wasps.
- Mega-Monkey Super-Cyber-Suit; Impossible to control any Goblin that puts it on as they instantly go Mad With Power.
- Engine of Infinite Blades; Theorised to simply be an un-closable portal to the plane of Edge. Now used for dicing by cooking goblins. Blade elementals sometimes escape.
- Ultra-Maggot Cannon; Distressing to use. Should the Ultra-Maggott survive it can hatch into a Mega-Fly.
- Ultra Maggot-Cannon; Similar problem to above but smaller, and on a much wider scale.
- Self-Replicating Peachivorous High Speed Bioweapon; The Goblins have simply reverse-engineered rabbits. They seem unaware that Rabbit already exist and keep these ones under exacting control.
- Fungal Destructor; Has also attained sentience, possibly also possessed, currently barely confined. Is also party leader of Goblin Minority Cordyceps Faction.
- Primordial Annihilator Device; Will definitely destroy the next Apocalypse Peach, will also release Chaos Gods upon unwitting cosmos.


Near the centre is the office of the President of Goblins Representing All Parallels or P.O.G.R.A.P, a Goblin with a head so huge it needs a moving stand to get it around. Few have spoken directly with the POGRAP and their powers and authority are unknown outside the Cube.


Finally, at the centre, or bottom, or somewhere hard to reach, is the Large Goblin Collider itself, where PURE INCANSECENT GOBLIN GALVINISING YEILD - or P.I.G.G.Y is studied and released. Or perhaps the PIGGY itself is studying the Goblins.

The PIGGY forms balls of Gremlinish electro-stuff that arcs across the cosmos. Wherever it grounds itself Goblin anima is released and integrated into the environment creating cascades of Active Mischiefons and Cackle Waves.

Inanimate objects can be imbued with Goblinish sentience, if it arcs into a living thing (like the PC's) it can auto-generate goblinism up inside them, allowing them to ignore the rules of the game if they do bad things. Of course they must then perform more Goblinsh actions or the effects will swing back upon them, producing a spiral of Goblin chaos.


  1. I saved all the bullet point lists for the next time I use goblins. Genuinely hilarious stuff.

  2. Have you run a game in this hallucinogenic violent enlightenment pastiche (both pastiche of the enlightenment and pastiche of enlightenment satire) yet? I know I just pop in every so often and say "this is great" but this is great. All new D&D idiom here

  3. Also the repeat affiliation of goblins with pigs, especially when goblins never seem to eat anything so foodlike as pork, is a quality mystery. Are goblins pig parasites? Do pigs have goblins like humans have souls, or vice versa? Is it a simple cahoots situation?

  4. I don't know, they just seem to fit somehow.

  5. The difference between the Ultra-Maggot Cannon and the Ultra Maggot-Cannon made me chuckle audibly.