2. The Antigoblin Empire
3. The Whetstone Ridge
4. The Painted Plane
5. The Vermillion Sea
In the yellow plain between the Umber Woods and the Plain
of Anaesthetic Fire, and on the path that links the Wodlands to the Vermillion
Sea, within sight of palette-coloured banks the Pigment River, is the Cube of
the Large Goblin Collider.
The Collider itself is a huge subterranean loop, buried
beneath the waving yellow grass. At intermittent periods, the distant
vibrations of the supersonic rail, the screams of the rocket pods, the cackling
laughter of the High Velocity Goblins and the tuning-fork-bomb-blast
air-buzzing implosion of Goblins colliding at high speed directly beneath the
Cube, which then incandesces with bright white Pure Goblin Energy, can be heard and felt thrumming through the earth.
All Goblins possess Goblin Genius and to investigate,
and exploit the nature of this genius, they built the Collider and the Cube
where they smash up Goblins at supersonic speed.
The Cube itself is a library, a laboratory, a dada-ist
religious site and a nerve centre for the League of United Goblins, the
para-reality Goblin Government and overall organising force.
The answer to any Goblin Problem can be found within.
Anyone wishing to effect or alter the Grand Goblin
Strategy across All Worlds, must come here, anyone wishing to attack, exploit,
evade or corrupt goblins must also come here. All Goblins everywhere are
expected to make a pilgrimage to the Cube at least once in their lives, to
experiment, or be experimented upon.
THE YELLOW PLAIN
Encounters on the plain involve wandering Goblin
Philosophers on their way to the Cube, Goblin subjects, hoping to be
experimented on and Goblins with strange mutations and weird powers who have been
crapped out by the Cube, which acts like a fucked-up factory for ridiculously
random X-Men.
"Roving
Dimensional Holes At All Times" warn the faded falling signs. These holes, perhaps created by the Large
Goblin Collider, by experiments inside the Cube or just by extra-dimensional
Goblins trying to bend space to get here, are a continual threat. They roll or
skate wildly across the plain being chased by Goblin scientists with Hole Hooks
who bring them back to experiment on, either by shoving Goblins inside them, or
by shoving them inside Goblins.
APPROACHING THE CUBE
The Cube is a vast building, poised on its corner. It is
white, tiled in cracked glass and ceramic with an off-kilter modernist style.
It is lit from within by bright flashes of Goblin Energy.
The area around the Cube is patrolled byGoblin Guards, (new versions and types are spewed out by the Cube every day), and huge near-feral watchtower golems. Surrounding this is the security fence and beyond that are lines to enter and the huge crowd of Goblin pilgrims.
The only legal way for any non-Goblin to enter the Large
Goblin Collider is to sneak in, goblin-style. However, if you do succeed in
sneaking inside then it will be assumed
that you are meant to be there.
The crowd breaks into two lines, one for Goblin Philosophers,
the other for Experimental Goblins. Goblin Philosophers must be able to present
a work of goblin science or advanced goblin thinking that proves their right to enter.
Experimental Goblins need only sign a waiver. As soon as Goblins pass the main
gate, the two lines merge and mix as if they forgot that they were different.
THE FENCE
The fence is always a random height and made from random
materials in each section. It is also an irregular shape if seen from above.
Some parts are like long slender fingers sticking up as
if there were huge gracile goblin hands just beneath the ground. Some are made
of crumbling concrete sprayed with Goblin graffiti, some parts are collapsing
chain link, others are fine green-hued Victorian fretwork with fine cast iron
Goblin faces, some thick deadly Goblin hedge, some electrical wire. Some parts
are marked with flayed Goblin faces that wink, some are hung with bells or tied
up Autistic Goblins that go REEEEEEE if disturbed.
Between the fence and the cube are the huge predatory
watchtowers and the varied guards.
The Watchtowers are constructions of black splintery
wood. They lumber about on wooden spider legs. At their tops are Goblin
lookouts and spotlights whose bulbs are incandescent Goblins fully charged with
P.I.G.G.Y - PURE INCANDESCENT GOBLIN GALVANISING YIELD.
The Watchtowers sometimes get confused and attack each
other like big animals in the night. The winner will cannibalise parts and get
taller. Too tall - eventually the tallest falls over and shatters into smaller
watchtowers, or is consumed by the herd.
The guards are varied but may consist of;
- Goblins riding baskets using lighter-than-air
hydrocephalic goblins as huge balloons, their bulging eyes turn.
- Goblin Mecha, large copper steam-bots that go AWOOGA
and often explode.
- Necro-goblins meditating on huge floating skulls and
firing death-energy from their occipital lobes.
- Thieving counter insurgency stealth goblins like
Aye-Ayes with long fingers and large eyes.
- Goblins driving a bound Antigoblin as a suicide bomb.
- Goblins hang-gliding on big crows and dropping from
above.
- Goblins in spitting biplanes powered by refined
P.I.G.G.Y.
- Attack-Goblin cavalry on Penny Farthings with scythes
on the wheel hubs - big hussar hats, fur capes and swinging sabres
INSIDE THE CUBE
Inside there is a maze of linked and jury-rigged
monorails ridden by Goblins in primary colour jumpsuits (crashes are common),
and a network of glass tubes. There are Goblins moving in the goblin tubing,
the scurrying never stops.
There are paper maps pinned to various places. All are
inaccurate, have been moved, are in faded crayon or are not actually of the
Goblin Cube. There are also timetables, signposts, directional floor-lines and
information desks for which the same is true.
The rooms and layout of the Cube are Borgesian but
retarded. Rooms of random size, shape and contents, with random entries and
exits. Here Goblins are experimenting and experimented upon. This might
include;
- Glass-walled Hannibal Lecter cells full of normal
reasonable rational goblins undergoing Psychotherapy.
- Captain America-style transformational radiation
machines.
- Goblins putting on a Harold Pinter play but they have
disintegration rays and disintegrate each other at random before freezing into
an expressionist tableaux.
- Goblins wearing human papier-mache heads in an
otherwise normal laboratory.
- Goblins miniaturised and injected into things, then
further miniaturised and set to ride beams of green light.
- Goblins with jet stream test area strapping goblins in
and testing goblin dynamics.
- Dangerous Goblin surgery taking place. Drugged ocelots
being implanted into grateful patient, thumbs up at the end
- Dogs playing an octopus at cards, one Goblin furiously
paints the scene, others measure the artists brainwave output with torrents of
paper, but the tongues of paper infiltrate the scene, causing the artist to
paint them and setting off a cascade response.
- Goblins gathered round a barely controlled pocket
universe which rolls around like a big lead ball sucking goblins into it. They
push it with carbon rods like curlers.
- Goblin Cybernetic Snail jousts
- Goblins fed into consuming extradimensional spiral like
charity coins.
HIGH SECURITY AREAS
THE WAR ROOM
It is here that the meta-strategy for all Goblin
Conflicts across all realities is decided. Anyone who can infiltrate this room
could conceivably acquire information invaluable to anyone engaged in warfare
against Goblins anywhere. They could also possibly alter Goblin strategy,
though the effects of this are unpredictable.
A full Ham Scan is required before entry. Visitors must
place their buttocks against a glass plate and a green scanning line will check
their hams. If their hams are not cleared for entry then special forces Awooga
Goblins will emerge in small cars.
There is always fighting in the War Room. The place is
divided into different factions based on preferred meta-strategy, tie colour
and food sauce preference. Goblins in suits and bejazzled military uniforms
battle and besiege each other with sporks, hot coffee and office furniture. The
Big Green Screen shows the Universal Goblin disposition and current danger
level (at the moment, set to Gob Con Four, the worst being Gob Con One).
THE TRICK MINT
The primary Goblin currency, the Trick, is minted in the
Cube in greenish gold. Not only do they mint the coins, they also set the value
of the Trick and decide large scale Goblin economics.
1 Jab = 1 Poke (the currencies are pegged to each other).
88 Jabs = 1 Trick.
97 Tricks = 1 Crime.
56 Crimes = 1 Jab.
The mint is often the target of robbery or financial
manipulation, but is defended by a giant invisible hand which sometimes just
smashes stuff randomly and by bewigged Goblin Financial Philosophers who gargle
coffee and argue constantly about the value of the Trick.
The value itself is set by a pig attached to a complex
series of levers, its wanderings have
huge effects on the Goblin Economy across the multiverse. If the value
of the Trick should fall then Goblins will have to perform many more Tricks to
avoid falling into the legal classes. Should the value of the Trick rise, then
a Trick Bubble may take place, with Goblins massively over-investing in highly
complex and unstable tricks that never pay off.
MEGAWEAPON DEVELOPMENT
Here, deadly arms are created to use against the next
Apocalypse Peach if/when it comes, and also just for fun. These include;
- Bionic Wasps; These go horribly wrong always.
- The Supermurder Cannon; Deadly, but too large to move,
also now sentient and paranoid.
- Postmodernism Bomb; Too terrible for even Goblins to
contemplate.
- Autism Ray; May have no effect on chaos wasps.
- Mega-Monkey Super-Cyber-Suit; Impossible to control any
Goblin that puts it on as they instantly go Mad With Power.
- Engine of Infinite Blades; Theorised to simply be an
un-closable portal to the plane of Edge. Now used for dicing by cooking
goblins. Blade elementals sometimes escape.
- Ultra-Maggot Cannon; Distressing to use. Should the
Ultra-Maggott survive it can hatch into a Mega-Fly.
- Ultra Maggot-Cannon; Similar problem to above but
smaller, and on a much wider scale.
- Self-Replicating Peachivorous High Speed Bioweapon; The
Goblins have simply reverse-engineered rabbits. They seem unaware that Rabbit
already exist and keep these ones under exacting control.
- Fungal Destructor; Has also attained sentience,
possibly also possessed, currently barely confined. Is also party leader of
Goblin Minority Cordyceps Faction.
- Primordial Annihilator Device; Will definitely destroy
the next Apocalypse Peach, will also release Chaos Gods upon unwitting cosmos.
POGRAP
Near the centre is the office of the President of Goblins
Representing All Parallels or P.O.G.R.A.P, a Goblin with a head so huge it
needs a moving stand to get it around. Few have spoken directly with the POGRAP
and their powers and authority are unknown outside the Cube.
THE PIGGY
Finally, at the centre, or bottom, or somewhere hard to
reach, is the Large Goblin Collider itself, where PURE INCANSECENT GOBLIN
GALVINISING YEILD - or P.I.G.G.Y is studied and released. Or perhaps the PIGGY
itself is studying the Goblins.
The PIGGY forms balls of Gremlinish electro-stuff that
arcs across the cosmos. Wherever it grounds itself Goblin anima is released and
integrated into the environment creating cascades of Active Mischiefons and
Cackle Waves.
Inanimate objects can be imbued with Goblinish sentience,
if it arcs into a living thing (like the PC's) it can auto-generate goblinism
up inside them, allowing them to ignore the rules of the game if they do bad
things. Of course they must then perform more Goblinsh actions or the effects
will swing back upon them, producing a spiral of Goblin chaos.
I saved all the bullet point lists for the next time I use goblins. Genuinely hilarious stuff.
ReplyDeleteHave you run a game in this hallucinogenic violent enlightenment pastiche (both pastiche of the enlightenment and pastiche of enlightenment satire) yet? I know I just pop in every so often and say "this is great" but this is great. All new D&D idiom here
ReplyDeleteI just make it up for fun really.
DeleteAlso the repeat affiliation of goblins with pigs, especially when goblins never seem to eat anything so foodlike as pork, is a quality mystery. Are goblins pig parasites? Do pigs have goblins like humans have souls, or vice versa? Is it a simple cahoots situation?
ReplyDeleteI don't know, they just seem to fit somehow.
ReplyDeleteThe difference between the Ultra-Maggot Cannon and the Ultra Maggot-Cannon made me chuckle audibly.
ReplyDelete